Finding the right psychotherapist
Why seek therapy?
Many people seek therapy in periods of their lives that for different reasons feels difficult. For example the death of a loved one, divorce and other personal crisis and transitions. Or because of symptoms, diagnosis and problems like substance abuse, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD and so on.
For many parents psychotherapy (in the form of individual therapy, couples therapy or family therapy) is a big help when family life is difficult — which it is in different ways for all of us since parenting and romantic relationships can bring us in contact with deep woulds and patterns — and thereby have the potential for important self development.
Those of us with deep trauma histories will often have a regular psychotherapist for support for the majority of life and since psychotherapy in many ways is about getting to know yourself in a deeper and less restricted way, it is part of a healthy self development and care for more and more people.
In this article I will describe different types of psychotherapy. I do not focus much on the different schools of therapy, but on the forms therapy can take and on what to be aware and conscious of when finding and choosing your psychotherapist.
It is not the purpose of this article to tell yo what to choose. And as a Family Therapist and an IFS therapist I am not completely objective in my description and opinion.
Therefore (and as always); take away only what feels right for you. And do feel free to write me if any questions or thoughts arise.
Different types of psychotherapy
There are many different types of psychotherapy and it can feel like quite a jungle figuring what is the right one for you.
Generally psychotherapy can be dividid into thought, feeling and body (or sensation) — therapies, where thought-focused therapies are the most cognitive type with a focus on changing thought patterns, behavior and symptoms.
Feeling focused therapies are as the word says more focused on the feelings that underlies the thoughts and symptoms, and on the relationships that trigger the feelings both in the present and in the past.
Body — and sensation — focused therapies stay with the physical sensations in or around the body. A body focused therapy does not always involve physical touch — some do — but can also be focused on the nervous system and on a felt sense of the body, where our understanding of ourselves (and our traumas) is centeret.
Simply put we can see the therapies as a continuum from the very cognitive talk therapies to the strictly psychical touch therapies. Most forms and schools of therapy is somewhere in between and in my opinion it is meaningful to look for therapies that includes both thought, feeling and body/sensation, since these are not separate entities but part of a greater whole.
Psychotherapy can also be divided in their focus on the past and the present.
The more thought-based therapies that focus on how we think and our behave (for instance cognitive- and behavioral therapies) are mostly focused on symptoms that are present now and work to change them.
Body therapies are also in general focused on what is present in the body now. Especially the touch-based therapies.
What I refer to as feeling-therapies are often focused on the past as it relates to now; as it plays out inside of us and in our outside relationships. The therapist will help the client be with what is present now and — depending on the therapy — facilitate connection to and healing of the wounds that were created through the interactions, situations and relationships of the past, and still exists in the internal system of the client in the present.
In this way the therapy typically will not dig into — and analyse — the past as some might imagine a Freudian type do, but elements and trauma from the past will appear when they become relevant and when the client has the capacity to be with them.
When looking at thought, feeling and body (and past and present) as a wholeness, we can see that what we grew up in or lived through, shapes our nervous system and the connections in the brain. — Which is expressed in what we sense and do not sense in our bodies, what we feel in relation to others and to ourselves, what moods are most present inside of us and what we think about ourselves, others and life.
We cannot seperat thought, feeling and sensation without missing the wholeness in healing and in the therapy.
Many therapeutic schools see themselves at the only right one and have in the past often been against each other to some degree — which in itself is not very therapeutic.
In regards to this, it is important to know that there is not one right therapeutic school, just like there is not one right way to be human.
Look at the resume
When looking for the right therapist, have a look at their website and get a feeling of what background and experience the therapist has.
The regulations on psychotherapists vary from country to country, so having a look at the actual education and experience of the therapist can be useful. If you do not see this information on the website of the therapist, you should feel free to write the person and ask.
A psychotherapist does not need to have a specific education or a specific amount of experience to be a good therapist, but looking at the resume still helps you get an impression.
Does the therapist have a solid therapeutic education? (In Denmark the approved educations for psychotherapists typically take 4 years to complete). Are the extra workshops and classes that the therapist have relevant for you and for what your needs are?
Some therapists are specialised in (or have a lot of experience with) different issues like eating disorders, anxiety, substance abuse, OCD, selfharm, anger, violence or with different types og diagnostics like schizophrenia, depression, borderline and so on.
In the same way the therapist can also be specialised in areas like attachment, mindfulness, IFS, touch-therapies and the like.
Different countries have different initials the therapist can add to their title which is a sign of approval and means that the education and experience of the psychotherapist meets a number of requirements.
In Denmark we have the initials MPF from Dansk Psykoterapeutforening.
In The US you will often see initials like LCSW, LMFT and others.
Trauma
Since all psychotherapy educations and schools are different in their approach, you should not assume that every psychotherapists have the ability to safely work with deep trauma.
Therapies that only focus on symptoms will for the same reason not always have the deep knowledge and experience needed for working with the nervous system and the slowness and relational security needed for working with trauma.
Here is one American resource for trauma and dissociation.
SE (Somatic Experiencing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) are therapies that work very well with deep traumas. But be sure to pay attention to the previous education and experience of the therapist, especially with IFS since this education is short and does not require students to have a formal psychotherapist education beforehand.
It is not always easy to see from the title of the therapy school if it is focused on trauma or not. As an example I’m an IFS therapist and a Family Therapist. My 4 year Family Therapy education is an approved psychotherapy education in Denmark and has (among other topics) a large focus on trauma, the nervous system and developmental/attachment traumas. You can’t really see that from the Family Therapy titel and not all Family Therapist educations will have this focus on trauma.
You can always ask the therapist about their experience to see if they might fit your needs.
The relationship matters most
The most important factor in good psychotherapy is not the education, school or even experience of the therapist, but the relationship — the chemistry and connection — between the therapist and the client.
This of course requires that the psychotherapist is trained in and has experience in creating a safe and therapeutic connection, but regardless of education and training, it is not certain that this particular therapist is right for you.
Therefore, it is also not certain that the therapist that your friend swears has changed his life will be able to do much for you.
It is the chemistry, the contact, the relationship between you that makes your inner system safe enough for an inner change to take place.
Therefore, I am a formidable therapist for some clients and a less good therapist for others. I believe that we as therapists become more skilled with all types of clients the more we work on ourselves (in our own therapy), but there will always be someone you have chemistry with and some you do not. Therefore, there is no bulletproof recipe for finding the right therapist, just guidelines.
You can always ask your psychotherapist if they are in therapy or supervision as part of their work. This is a good indicator of whether the therapist is aware of their own patterns and responsibilities in the relationship with you as a client.
Online therapy
Online therapy has really taken hold during the corona epidemic and for most clients it works just as well as showing up physically. Many clients are surprised at how, even though they are not sitting in the same room as the therapist, they can feel them — and vice versa — in the same way as if they did.
For some clients, online therapy is an advantage — in addition to the practical reasons — as some of the patternes that get activated when we are in a room together (for example over-collaboration), will often be less active (and easier to work with). This makes it easier some many clients to be in contact themselves and their boundaries in the therapy.
On a practical note, online therapy means that we can receive therapy no matter where in the country — or the world — we live.
Some countries — like The United States — have regulations that do not let therapists work across state lines. But in many countries it is possible to work across borders via online therapy.
Which form of therapy should you choose?
Whether you should choose individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy or group therapy depends on your specific needs. In individual therapy, you will typically work deeper and more intensely with yourself.
Many of our patterns are expressed in the relationship and therefore couples therapy can make a big difference in how we relate to each other and can help us become aware of which patterns get activated. Some couples choose to have individual sessions in parallel with their couple therapy, but if the relationship has a degree security, it can be very rewarding to have deep therapy together, where one partner witnesses the other’s process.
Family therapy, in the same way as couples therapy, is helpful in finding the patterns and constrictions that unfold in the family. In this way the responsibilities and love of the parents can become visible to the children and after a number of times with family therapy, the parents will typically continue in individual therapy or couples therapy. Some, especially older, children also benefit from continuing in individual therapy themselves.
Group therapy can be beneficial especially for individuals with burdens of shame. Since the group will often meet around a specifik topic or problem, the participants can reflect on each other and thereby feel less wrong, different and alone. This is in itself healing.
How is the therapy for you?
As described, the relationship with your psychotherapist is the most important factor in therapy.
Therefore, it is important, when looking for the right psychotherapist — and continuously during the therapy — to be aware of what feelings you notice inside in relation to your therapist.
This does not mean that you have to feel good all the time in therapy or that your therapist has to sweet-talk you and sugarcoat everything so you don’t feel pain.
On the contrary, it means that they must be empathetic and able to create a safe enough space for you and your specific needs.
This means that you gradually feel safe enough to be with what comes up in the therapy sessions and to speak for your boundaries and needs.
This means that they are not shaming or judgmental of any of what you bring to the therapy, but also that they can at the be straight with you and be clear about their own boundaries in therapy.
Remember that therapists are just human beings like everybody else. They do not have to be perfect, but like a good parent, they have to take responsibility for themselves and the space they create in therapy.
That a skilled therapist is not shaming does not mean that you will not feel shame or other difficult emotions in the therapy. All emotions are welcome in therapy and once they are spoken for and met, they can begin to move and shift.
When should you consider looking for another therapist?
If you feel like you are not getting anything out of the therapy (anymore) then talk to your psychotherapist about it. There may be something in you that is blocking (always with good reason). Likewise, there may be something in the therapist blocking. It may also be that this particular therapist cannot help you further in exactly the way you need.
If anything in the therapy feel like it crosses your boundaries in any way, pay attention to that. Small healthy extensions of the nervous system are part of therapy, but if something does not feel right, listen to it and take it seriously.
If you feel safe with your therapist, talk to them about what you are feeling or noticing. If this is not possible or your therapist is being dismissive, there is a good chance that you will need to find a new therapist.
It should never your job to fit into any preconceived notions and models of therapy that the therapist uses. If it feels off, it’s probably not the right therapist (or direction) for you. The more honestly you tell your therapist what is happening inside you in therapy, the better they can meet you where you are. But never pressure yourself to express more than what feels safe and okay for you at any given moment.
The therapist is there for you, not the other way around. If you do not feel met, heard, seen, etc. by the therapist — and this is not something you work on in the therapy — you probably will not get much out of therapy with this particular therapist.
Places to look for a psychotherapist
Here are af few places to look for a psychotherapist:
Therapists working with trauma and dissociation
Do you have a website/link you want me to add to this list, you can feel free to contact me.
For most people, the best way to find a trustworthy psychotherapist is to ask friends and acquaintances. It is not certain that you click with the same therapist as your acquaintance does, but the fact that you have had the therapist recommended by someone you trust will make you feel a greater sense of trust in the therapist right from the start.
In addition, many people find their psychotherapist via google search, via facebook and via instagram, where you can easily get an impression of what this particular therapist is about.
As an example here is my english Instagram page.
This article is taken from — and made more general — the “Clients guide to IFS” I am currently writing and which will be free to download on my website when completed.