Guide for the IFS Client: Chapter 1: The System of Parts
Through this guide, you will gain a basic understanding of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and the IFS view on life.
In this and the following articles, you will get an insight into how the therapy takes place and how it can help you, your mental health and your perception of — and connection with yourself.
In this first article you get Chapter 1 of the IFS Guide for Clients, which focuses on the basic understanding of the internal system as IFS therapy has defined it.
The IFS guide is divided into 4 parts:
Part 1 focuses on the IFS therapy itself, the system and the understanding.
Part 2 focuses on your own internal work and work you can do between your therapy sessions.
Part 3 focuses on you and your relationships.
Part 4 focuses on more practical aspects.
Here in Part 1 and Chapter 1 you will learn about the three types of parts.
Chapter 2, which will follow soon, is focused on the Self.
Chapter 3 begins to focus on IFS therapy.
This is followed by a few chapters on the therapy and specific types of parts.
Understanding the internal system is important for IFS and its life view, but the definitions and names that IFS ‘founder Richard Schwartz has given the different types of parts are not really that important (for you as a client) other than as a way to categorize and thereby more easily understand the internal system. Or put another way: They are not the truth.
It is also important to say that: You don’t need this guide to be in IFS therapy. IFS is created based on clinical experience and therefore makes intuitive sense for most people. It is not a theory made into experience but experience made into theory.
When it can still be helpful to have a guide like this, it is because we at a societal (and world) level have come so far away from ourselves and what we actually feel is true, that healthy reactions to sick environments are pathologized and what is now “normal” is seen as “right” — many of our societal structures, including health care and education in psychology and psychotherapy, are in many ways lagging behind all the knowledge we have.
We know that:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
There is ALWAYS a meaning behind your experience.
You can heal your inner system.
Therapy does not fix you but helps you become more whole, more you.
It’s never too late.
There is hope.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is, in addition to being fairly a new and unique form of therapy, a way of being in life; it is a way of being with yourself (your inner family system), and with others, that is loving, accepting and healing. And it is a way to get to know oneself on a much deeper level and at the same time feel the connection between us all. In IFS therapy, we believe that we all have an inner family of parts — we all have many minds; many parts — and that this is completely normal and natural.
And we believe that we all have a Self; the inner parent in our inner family system.
The more wounds and traumas we have experienced, the more polarized and burdened is our inner system and the more hidden away is our Self-energy (which you can read more about in Chapter 2) as the inner children (parts) have taken charge in order to protect us.
We all have our own burdens and imbalances as NOBODY has had a perfect childhood. Our parts are not the result of trauma, but the burdens they carry are.
Therefore we are not trying to get rid of our parts; we are trying to help them.
Chapter 1: The system of parts
IFS therapy sees humans as having not just one unitary mind, but many parts or inner personalities. Being “multi” is therefore not the result of trauma, but our natural way of being human beings.
You may recognize yourself in of one of these examples:
“Part of me can get really angry at my children and another part of me knows that they are just being kids.”
“Part of me feels completely worthless and another part of me does everything it can to make that feeling go away”
“Part of me knows I should leave my abusive husband, but another part of me has no idea how to survive without him.”
“Part of me wants me to lose weight and another part of me wants me to have just one more piece of chocolate!”
I feel this way AND I also fell another (and a third) way.
I feel something AND I think something about what I feel.
I’m thinking something AND I know it’s not the whole truth.
Our internal system of parts is an inherent aspect of human existence and when we are exposed to betrayal, wounding, trauma, abuse, etc., these experiences get stuck in us as burdens and burdened beliefs (for example: “I am not loved”, “I am alone”,“the world is the dangerous place”) and our parts create systems around these burdens to maintain our level of functioning and to ensure our survival.
They thereby create more or less rigid patterns inside of us and become “stuck” in the roles IFS refer to as Managers, Firefighters and Exiles.
Since no childhood is perfect, we have all these systems of parts that are more or less rigid and extreme depending on our experiences, attachment and life conditions.
The inner system of parts is, as described, something we all have in common. The inner system is there to take care of us and help us live our lives here on earth and — like the children in our outer family system — always has a positive intention behind every reaction, emotions and behavior.
The fact that the result can be extremely negative and devastating does not change the positive intention, but says something about the extent of the pain it originated in.
As the title of Richard Schwartz’s latest book “No bad parts” says— there are no bad or evil parts in our inner system. Not even the most extreme parts are evil, which we discover when we really get to know them. Good intentions never excuse destructive behavior directed at others, but it does help to explain it. And just like in parenting, it speaks to the fact that we should not punish behavior, but help the person or part with the burden or feeling that lies behind it.
When we can truly recognize this good intention in ourselves and in other people, we can begin to be with ourselves and each other from a place of love and acceptance. Not acceptance of the action necessarily, but acceptance of the person or the part.
We will (eventually) begin to sincerely love ourselves and our parts from a whole and loving place within.
And we will understand that all the terrible things that are happening in the world are created by parts of (external and internal) systems that do everything they can to protect and preserve. In this way, trauma gives birth to new traumas and healing gives birth to healing.
As lead trainer and author of the book “Transcending trauma” Frank Anderson so poetically and simply puts it: “Trauma blocks love. Love heals trauma.” It’s true in ourselves and it’s true in the world.
IFS divides our parts into two categories: Protective parts and the parts that are protected and hidden away, ie the Exiles. The protective parts are again divided into two types: Managers (preventive parts) and Firefighters (reactive parts).
It is important for me to mention that IFS is not a model you have to adapt to, but a model and understanding of human beings that is adapted to you as a client.
The categories, names and definitions are not so important for you as a client in the therapy room, but are, when we try to describe IFS, helpful for the overview of the inner system and the IFS view and understanding of being human in the world.
As the internal is reflected in the external (and the external in the internal), you will often be able to recognize these rigid roles in the external family system, in the workplace and at a larger level in societal systems worldwide. In the systemic understanding of man and the world, we see this repetition on a micro and macro level and it becomes clear that it is not accidental how we as individuals are affected (or triggered) differently in the external world depending on our inner world of parts and the burdens these carry for us.
Let’s have a look at the different types of parts:
Managers
Our inner Managers are the parts that are in control of things (or trying to be). They make sure that everything runs as smoothly as possible so that we do not feel — and others do not see — our emotional pain (wrongness, shame, unlovingness, loneliness…). Or put another way; so that we do not become overwhelmed by our Exiles (see below) and the pain they carry, which the system of protectors (Managers and Firefighters) does everything they can to keep out of consciousness. Managers are thus our preventive protective parts.
Managers can both be parts that make sure we arrive on time, look good, do everything as perfectly as possible and can perform what (they think) is expected of us, but they can also be the parts that shame and criticize our performance, appearance, reactions and feelings.
In all these ways, they make sure to keep an underlying pain (the burden the Exiles carry) out of consciousness.
What happens when you stop scrolling and just exist?
What happens when you do not look perfect?
What happens when you arrive late?
When you don’t do everything a good enough job?
Some typical managers are:
Performance, perfection, the inner critic or judge, the pleaser, control, worry, intellectualization, the workaholic, over-cooperation, the good mother role, the caregiver, the over-thinker etc. These protective parts and functions can be seen as facades that try to have things under control and make sure others don’t see what is under or behind the “mask.”
But our parts are not their role, job or function. The inner critic is not criticism, but a part who has taken on this role to protect the inner system. The pleaser is not pleasing, but a part that has taken on this role to protect the internal system.
And even though these roles, thoughts or behaviors do not always seem to make sense on the surface (and can even be harmful to ourselves or others), there is always a meaning behind — something that happened or was — that made this burden or role absolutely necessary, often for our very survival.
You do not have to try to figure it out, because in IFS therapy we create contact with the different parts of the internal system and can simply ask them.
And since the part is not its role, we do not try (as in some types of therapy) to get rid of it. We’re not trying to control it away. We are instead being sincerely curious, making contact with the part and helping it, so that in the end it does not have to be in its rigid role anymore, but can be free to help the inner system (you!) in a more balanced way.
Our Managers do a huge job every day to ensure our survival. It can be very helpful. For example, I’m largely writing this guide from a Manager who (among other things due to previous burdens) has a lot of experience writing. But when our parts carry burdens, they most often respond from a place in the past that does not benefit us in the present.
As was said in my Family Therapist education: Our survival strategies become suicide strategies.
As we begin to get to know our inner system through IFS therapy, we are often surprised at how young (often young children) our Managers and other parts of the system are.
In the same way, you will find that when we work in IFS therapy, your parts are also often surprised and even shocked at how much you have grown since they took on their burden. For them, time has most often stood still and from the place they “are”, their reactions in the present always make sense.
The Managers are thus trying to maintain the balance so that we can function in the world. Our Firefighters, on the other hand, do not care about balance. They just have to put out the fire!
Firefighters
Firefighters are the second group of protective parts. Where Managers are preventative, Firefighters are reactive; they are our internal heroes who step in when the damage has occurred. That is: when the Exiles surface.
When the roof is on fire, it’s just a matter of putting it out, regardless of whether you knock down a few walls in the process and leave the house in chaos and ruins.
This is exactly the way it is for our inner Firefighters. These parts are not relational as our Managers often are. And because of their more or less reactive roles, they are often hated both in the internal system and in the external. But in reality they are, like real Firefighters, in many ways the heroes of our internal systems, who are trying to save us, and once actually did.
It can be hard to spot the good intentions, but they are always there.
Here are some typical examples of Firefighters:
Irritation, explosive anger, stress, hatred, eating disorders, abuse/addictions (of alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, internet, shopping, etc.), dissociation, projection, restlessness, “cleaning madness”, numbing, obsessions, compulsions, violence, self-harm and in the extreme; suicide and homicide.
As you can see, the Firefighters may have some more or less violent roles and reactions, but common to them is that they react when the Managers have not managed to hold back our inner Exiles (and their overwhelming pain). When the Exiles and the pain come to the surface or the consciousness, the Firefighters take over as soon as possible, to get us away from the pain again. In many cases it goes too fast for us to register the pain consciously.
Many will recognize the conflicts in the our romantic relationships — which is often something we work with in couples therapy — because we all get triggered in our close relationships.
When we focus on a conflict in couples therapy and completely slow down the pace, both partners will notice the underlying pain.
Here is an example with Bea and Eva, where both react from their Firefighters:
Bea: “You could help more! It’s always me taking care of everything around here!”
Beneath this lies an inner dynamic where Bea’s over-collaborating and pleasing Manager has made her take care of far more in the home than she actually thinks is fair. She has gone far beyond her own boundaries for a long time.
The underlying Exile carries the burden of not being good enough and the Manager has thus learned through Bea’s childhood that “When I over-cooperate and please, I am lovable and then the pain and the feeling of not being good enough does not surface.”
In the relationship with Eva, it’s not working. She does not get the same recognition for her hard work that she did her in childhood home. Eva actually hardly sees it. Bea has therefore gone further and further beyond her own boundaries without being seen. And because it’s not working, the Exile surfaces and the feeling of not being good enough takes over. This feeling lasts no more than a split second as Bea’s Firefighter quickly takes over. It generates anger towards Eva: “You could help more! It’s always me taking care of everything around here!”
Eva: “I have been working all day so that you can afford your expensive habits and you‘re saying I don’t do enough! A little gratitude might be more appropriate!”
Eva does not hear Bea’s Exile (pain), only her angry Firefighter, which in turn triggers her own Firefighter whom, as in Bea’s case, takes care of her own underlying pain.
This Firefighter reaction will then typically re-trigger Bea’s Firefighter.
They’re both fighting to protect of their inner system, but no matter who wins the conflict, they are both left as losers. The relationship between them sufferers and their Exiles are not seen.
The intention is always good. To protect. The result can be devastating. The function of Firefighters can be damaging to our relationships, our bodies, and our mental health, but they have made the pain of the Exile temporarily (or at least partially) disappear. And that’s the point.
That is the job of the Firefighter and since they are often young — they have taken on the burdens early in our lives — they know no better way to do it or have learned this “solution” from the (perhaps toxic) relationships of then.
In the internal system, Firefighters are often hated and shamed. For example, shame and criticism (from a Manager part) will pretty much always be right on the heels of parts that carry anger, addiction or other reactive behavior.
In much the same way, there will often be parts of the system that are afraid of the Firefighters, who tries to keep themselves (and us) away from them. In the inner family, the Firefighters can therefore be very isolated, hated and polarized with other parts of the system. Firefighters can also be sent in Exile.
Many will recognize the feeling of not being in contact with their anger.
Our inner Firefighters do a huge job for our survival (even though it very often seems counterintuitive), but get very little thanks for it. When they begin to feel our contact and perhaps even gratitude in the therapy room, a lot can change. Often these parts are very young and just like with children in our outer families, they do the best they can in the given situation.
In IFS therapy, we respect the protective parts no matter what their job entails. We do not try to fight them, override them or manipulate them. We try to befriend them.
Exiles
It is the Exiles who control our lives. When we carry burdens as a result of small and large traumas, inner clusters of protective parts will orbit around the Exiles, who carry the heavy burdens of shame, worthlessness, badness, loneliness and feelings of not being good enough. All the things we don’t want to feel but which penetrates to the surface when we get triggered.
Our inner system of protective parts (Managers and Firefighters) comes up with all sorts of creative ways to not feel the pain. They do a huge and demanding job, often for many years without a break, but the ones who carry the heaviest load are the Exiles. They have taken on the hardest task and carry in them emotions and conditions created by childhood wounds and traumas that we could not bear to feel at the time.
What a trauma or childhood wound is can be difficult to define objectively, since what is traumatic for one person is not necessarily traumatic for another. Children are naturally more helpless than adults and are therefore more easily traumatized.
Violent experiences are not necessarily traumatizing in themselves, but the fact that we are not met and contained by a loving and safe other, creates the inner overwhelm that makes the trauma get stuck inside and the system of parts go into mobilization.
The more unprocessed trauma we carry with us, the more vulnerable we are to new overwhelm and traumatization.
On the other hand, when we have a secure foundation — a secure external and internal attachment — with us, we have the capacity to meet and contain — or be met and contained by others — therefore what happens to us will feel less traumatic; it does not get stuck as easily in the internal system, but is able to move.
Exiles are often quite small inner children and they are usually very much alone in our inner system as they have been banished, sent into exile, down into the deepest caves of our subconscious.
The Exiles are, so to speak, put in inner prisons and many of them (we have several depending on our history of trauma and pain) will do everything they can to escape.
Therefore, the wrong word from our partner, that look from a neighbor, a negative remark at work, etc. can cause us to plunge right into the pain again — or rather: the Exile breaks out and takes over often with overwhelming force to now FINALLY be heard and seen.
That’s when we sink into the worthlessness or the shame becomes so massive that we cannot endure ourselves.
When a part takes over (Exile, Firefighter or Manager) it is the eyes of that part we see the world through.
And because the Exiles tend to overwhelm when they finally break out, the Firefighters jump in with a bottle of wine, with the explosive anger, with a cold demeanor, with the overeating, with the projection, with the self-harm, with the dissociation, etc., etc., etc.
That’s why we say that the Exiles control our lives: Every cluster of burdened parts within us revolve around an Exile and the pain we must not feel. Our burdened inner systems are so busy surviving that they often have not discovered that the years have passed and we have become much older since the traumatic experience or the difficult relationships.
The inner system is not aware that we can handle the pain now, that it is possible to let go of the burden and thereby of the patterns and survival strategies that revolve around it. When our parts get to know us anew, they can begin to feel the true peace and inner balance that arises when we are with our parts instead of being in them.
That is the difference between being blended with our parts, where we see the world through their eyes and being with our parts, as a genuinely loving parent with their children. When our parts, through IFS therapy, begin to give space inside, the Self can step forward.
The Self is the inner parent of the system of parts or inner children. We all have this Self — the seat of our consciousness — and it is the Self that through true loving contact can heal the pain and lift the rigid roles and burdens we carry.
You can read about the Self in the next chapter of this guide (the next article).