Guide for the IFS Client: Chapter 2: The Self
In Chapter 1: The System of Parts we dived into the different types of parts, according to IFS, and compared them with the children in the family.
The inner parent of our inner children is the Self.
This description of the Self and the inner family system, is based on my knowledge and understanding of attachment and New Danish Parenting (NDP), which in my view supports Internal Family Systems (IFS). Therefore, in the description below, you will see a connection between IFS and attachment, which is not typically a (large) part of the description of IFS. This description is thus based on my own personal and professional understanding of the model and view. The descriptions of the Self and the inner system does not differ from IFS, but is simply supported by attachment theory and NDP.
Psychologist and attachment expert Dr. Gordon Neufeld — author of the book “Hold on to your kids” — compares the parent with the sun and the children with the planets orbiting it.
With an insecure external attachment — and what Dr. Neufeld refers to as peer orientation — the children will revolve around each other instead of the parent.
We can observe the same thing in the inner system when our parts carry burdens from trauma and pain: Our parts (or inner children) revolve around each other (Protective parts around Exiles) instead of revolving around the Self (the parent). It is thus an insecure internal attachment, as a result of an insecure external attachment and trauma in childhood.
It is easy to imagine the chaos and destruction that would occur if the planets in our solar system began to orbit each other instead of the sun, and the same is true for our inner (and outer) family systems.
As we know from attachment theory, children need a secure attachment figure (mother and/or father) to be able to develop healthily, have a felt core sense of worth (ie the inner secure attachment) and to feel safe going out into the world.
As it is for our external children, so it is for our internal children; our parts.
The more difficult or traumatic a childhood, and thereby (often) more insecure the external attachment, the more insecure the internal attachment is as well.
We will often discover through therapy that many of our parts are not aware that there is such an inner parent — the Self — or of the fact that we have grown up since they took on their burdens.
Some parts will feel abandoned and betrayed by the Self and have in any case taken matters into their own hands for the sake of survival.
Therefore, some of the most important work in IFS therapy is to create a secure connection within between the Self, the inner parent, and the parts, the inner children.
One thing Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, states, after working therapeutically with even the most extreme forms of violence, self-harm, and psychiatric diagnoses, is that everyone has a Self. It is not something to be cultivated or trained, it is not something that can be lost and it is not something that can be destroyed.
All people have a Self. Or put another way: All human beings are Self.
The Self is our inner core, our deep consciousness, our being, our truth, our soul, our inner divinity, our secure inner attachment, our anchor, our connection to the collective consciousness and to other people.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet and exactly how we feel Self and what we choose to call it varies from person to person.
When we are conscious of ourselves; our thoughts; our parts, without judgment, we are in (some degree of) our Self-energy. From this space in ourselves, we have no agenda or judgment, but will automatically and naturally be with our parts (feelings, thoughts, sensations, reactions, symptoms) lovingly and openly. From our Self we have the answers we need.
It is also, I believe, this state of Self-energy we dive into during meditations, psychedelic journeys and other consciousness-changing or expanding states. It is a place we all have within us that connects us to our collective consciousness; to our inner system and to being.
The Self is not destroyed regardless of trauma, but is hidden away behind our protective parts, as they take charge to protect us.
The greater the pain and trauma, the more our protectors take charge, and the Self may be hidden far away, but will always be present when parts step aside and open space. This can be a lengthy and gradual process, so do not lose heart when it seems difficult or even impossible to feel into til energy. It is there.
When it comes to Self and parts, it is not either-or, but, as with most things in life, both-and.
When you speak with another human being from a balanced and loving place, you will typically have both a given percentage of your Self present and a given percentage of Manager, Firefighter, Exile present depending on the conversation, relationship and environment. If, for example, there is a sudden change, protective parts will immediately step forward and take up more space within you (at least temporarily).
In early childhood, the child builds an attachment to their parents.
The small child is not yet able to Self-regulate and needs a safe and calm nervous system to lean out into. When the child feels unsafe and needs contact, it calls on the attachment figure, who holds and takes care of child. The young child leans out into the parent and the child’s immature nervous system leans out into the parent’s calm nervous system — it co-regulates.
The parent’s calm and felt safety, creates calm and felt safety in the child.
When the attachment figure is not available the way the child needs — when parents, for example, have been taught to let the small child cry it out or have shut down due to their own trauma and therefore do not respond to the child’s crying/calling — or when the older child is not met in how they feel, but is instead scolded, shamed, or exposed to traumatic experiences — the child’s protective system will to some extent (depending on the overwhelm) shut off from the fear and pain it causes and send the part that carries — or takes on — the burdens of fear and pain, into exile. The child thus learns quite physically that (at that moment or in that relationship) they cannot lean out, and must close off instead.
Even when we do not remember these experiences consciously, they leave memory and traces in the body. Or as Bessel van der Kolk says it so aptly: The body keeps the score.
The young child needs to lean out (co-regulation) to regulate their nervous system and will through the co-regulation eventually begin to be able to lean in (Self-regulation). When the child is able to lean out at the beginning of life, the parts of the child’s internal system, can gradually begin to lean into the Self (Self-regulate) = the inner secure attachment.
With the more insecure attachment, the attachment figure has been less accessible when the child needs to regulate (co-regulation) and thereby calm down and feel safe. Therefore, protective parts of the child’s system have taken over to protect. And instead of a secure inner attachment, the child (and later the adult) has a series of survival strategies or patterns that take over in difficult situations. That is; situations that the parts find difficult because of lived experiences.
This testifies to an extremely competent and adaptive inner system, that have ensured our survival in a sometimes harsh and brutal world.
It’s not something you did wrong. It’s something you’ve done well.
As we know from attachment theory, secure and insecure attachment is not either-or and, as Lead IFS trainer Frank Anderson mentions in his book “Transending Trauma,” some parts of our inner system can be securely attached while other parts (that, for example, the parent have not been able to hold with love due to their own trauma), are more insecurely attached.
In much the same way, we attach or relate differently to different people in our lives (both as children and adults), but most people will have a primary attachment style that they carry out into the world.
From the attachment theory known as secure attachment and the three insecure attachment styles: Avoidant, Ambivalent, Disorganized.
Self is a state of being and of consciousness which is far more clear and present, than any thought-process or forced presence can create.
It is the space in which you are present with what is, without any judgment and without wanting to do anything with it. You are and you are with.
In the IFS view of life, the Self is characterized by the 8 C’s:
Curiosity, connectedness, compassion, courage, calmness, clarity, creativity, confidence.
When these inner qualities come from an open and loving space in us, we are in touch with our Self-energy.
The Self is a bodily anchored state and many will have a felt sense of a greater openness and spaciousness inside (especially in the chest/heart area and felt through the breath), whereas we can feel compressed, constricted and without space inside when our parts really take over.
The Self can feel like energy flowing through the body, like a warm and open heart and like a grounded and calm state of body-mind.
This is a space we all have in us and that we can sense once our parts have enough trust in us to let go a little. When they do not have it, there is always a good reason for it and it is not something we will try to force.
Self is the inner parent that our system of parts need to be able to lean into in order to feel safe.
A big part of what IFS therapy is, therefore, is to be with our parts in a new way, where they feel the safe connectedness between them and our Self.
It is the Self (not so much your therapist or other people) that our parts need to be witnessed by when they tell their truth and share their stories. And it is the Self that helps let go of the burdens of shame, wrongdoing, loneliness, guilt, etc. that our inner Exiles carry.
In the case of early and/or severe trauma, it may take a lot of time and patience to help our parts feel safe enough to give space. When our parts step aside, the Self will step forward. And when that happens, we can begin to reestablish the secure inner attachment that rightfully belongs to all human beings and all of the parts of our internal systems.
In IFS therapy, you will often hear the question “How do you feel towards the part?” from your therapist. When the answer is “I hate it!”, “It’s annoying”, “I am afraid of it” and the like, that means we are “blended” with another part. That means that this part has taken (some degree of) charge and that we see the world through its eyes at that moment. The answer to “How do you feel towards…” thus comes from what this part feels for or thinks about the part we are working with.
When and if this part or these parts give space, our Self-energy can take up “the drivers seat” and we will (in that moment) be more Self-led.
As mentioned, when it comes to Self-energy, it is not either-or, but both-and. So you do not have to be 100% in Self-energy to work with your parts. And the Self-energy of your IFS therapist creates additional felt safety for your inner system. This is part of why working with a therapist or in a group is easier (for most people) than working alone.
The goal of therapy and healing is not that we should be able to be in Self all the time. What we are working toward is healing the burdens that the system carries so that our parts will react congruently with the present moment, and to reestablish the inner connections so that our parts are not alone, polarized and working overtime in rigid roles. In a more Self-led system, our parts will inform the Self rather than take charge (most of the time).
When your therapist asks “How do you feel towards this part?” they are listening for Self-energy:
Curiosity, connectedness, compassion, courage, calmness, clarity, creativity, trust, openness, love, joy, spaciousness…
When you feel the curiosity and love from your heart, from your core, from your soul and you expand this feeling to the part you are connecting with, you begin to reestablish the secure attachment that rightfully belong to your inner system.
When you are in Self, you have the answers you need. You don’t have to figure anything out from your hard working thinking parts.
It’s not something you have to perform either — you are not good or bad at it, because it is simply something that is a part of you already, and when there is no access to it, it is always with good reason.
The Self is inherent in all of us. We are all Self and we can slowly take the seat of the inner parent that our parts need as we establish a deeper felt safety and connection through therapy, healing and self-development.
Later in this guide (in Part 2) you will find meditations and exercises that can help you feel what Self-energy feels like for you and give you some tangible experiences with your inner system.
In the next chapter, we dive into the IFS therapy itself.