Why your romantic relationships suffer because of childhood wounds (The “Yes-no-yes” of shame-regulation)
I will repeat myself to some degree in this article. One of the important points of my last article on “IFS and attachment” was about co-regulation and self-regulation. If you have read that article already, you will already be familiar with some of the below.
In this article the focus is not as much on inner attachment and Self-energy, but on (1) how to co-regulate our children, (2) how not being regulated as a child affects your romantic relationships as an adult and (3) how to work with your parts when they are stuck in rigid patterns.
In the first months of the life of a baby, she typically gets a lot of “Yes” from her parents:
They cuddle her, smile at her, get excited at the increasing development and contact the baby is capable of, they make happy mirroring sounds and faces. Yes, yes, yes! All of this stimulates the development and safety of the inner system of the child and of the outer relationship between parent and child. It opens up the baby to the world, to contact, curiosity and to wonder.
Then the small child start crawling and walking, suddenly being able to reach electrical cords, pull precious books apart, fall down the stairs, and getting hurt in a myriad of ways. Then the “No!” appears. It has to.
It’s a good thing, because it keeps the child safe and teaches her what is acceptable and what is not.
“No, I don’t want you to pull the cats tail!”
“No you cannot put the crayons up your nose!”
“No the dust is not for eating!”
“No” is good and necessary but no also triggers shame and shutdown in the system of the child. It creates a little shock in the child that turns the child off from contact.
A small child is not able to self-regulate out of that shame (that is; get back to the open yes-feeling) and so will stay in the shutdown (and create survival mechanisms or in IFS terms: parts of the system will take on burdens and protector roles) when the parent does not bring the child back to the open “Yes.”
Self-regulation is matured through co-regulation: The parent must use her or his calm and open (loving) nervous system to bring the small child back to being open (back out of the shame).
Does that mean that we have to let the child do anything and get anything they want? No, it does not. A yes to the child is not the same as a yes to the want (to the behavior).
A “Yes” to the child means to comfort an upset or shut down child, to listen and put into words how the child feels, to not leave the child alone after a no or after being scolded.
(Sidenote: We should always strive to not scold our children, but get curious about our own parts when we resort to scolding or punishing).
“You got very upset just now, huh? Yeah I can see that. Come here.” (Hug).
“I think you got angry because you really wanted an ice cream and I said no. Is that right? Yes I get that.” (Hug, touch or just sitting next to with no agenda depending on the child).
Let dad comfort if mom scolds and vice versa. (This does not mean that the child can manipulate and set parents against each other. This belief is very outdated and takes us out of true contact).
Remember: It’s all in the tone.
Try to notice if you have an agenda behind your words (a part that wants something from the child) or if you can just be with what is.
Not being co-regulated as a child will typically lead to not feeling very safe going out into the world, not being able to handle emotions (of both the inner and outer system) and not being able to down-regulate anger and other feelings.
As we know through the IFS model, your parts, reactions and attachement style is not set in stone. It is something you (and your therapist) can work with. There is so much hope when you start understanding and working with these dynamics. There is so much love hidden away in there.
Often I see couples in therapy who cannot handle being in arguments or disagreements with each other (especially when they become parents) because they fall right back to being children all alone in their shame. (In IFS terms: one of their exiles surfaces).
When that happens it feels like “If I disagree with you, I am unlovable,” which again can set off strong protectors that “know” that in an argument, there is a winner and a loser; one is right and one is wrong.
And I don’t want to be wrong because then I will fall back into the immense pain of being unlovable. Therefore you have to be wrong.
Therefore I have to “win” the argument.
Of course when someone “wins” in arguments, the relationship will suffer and thereby everyone loses at the end.
These patterns can play out in many ways since all people and therefore all relationships are unique. But here are som of the typical patterns I see in my clients:
Couples stuck in fight-mode. They have to “beat” each other. They both feel like they have to win. Life and the relationship becomes a battle. — Making both partners stuck in rigid roles and thereby not having space for everything else that is also who they are.
One pulls away and/or becomes “the underdog”; always letting the partner get his or her way, so not to get into conflict and thereby feeling unlovable (or even fearing that arguments will lead to break up). — Giving this person very little space for being him- or herself in the relationship.
In that same dynamic “the alpha dog” (here with negative meaning) might project all his or her inner conflicts unto the partner. “It’s all your fault”, “You are doing this to me.” and/or taking the frustration out on the partner. — Not realising or being away of the inner struggle.
Both pulls away and the relationship becomes empty and lonely. The feeling of not being good enough is often there, but both will think it’s the partners lack of contact, lack of love, lack of interest that is setting it off.
These different patterns are driven by protectors and they are there for good reasons. We don’t want them to just go away, shame them or tell them stop doing what they are doing.
What we want is to bring consciousness (Self-energy) into the system, into the dynamic, so that we can start seeing and helping the parts that are trying to help us.
We can do that by noticing our parts and patterns in or after an argument:
How did I feel when I got so angry? What triggered the part/anger?
How do I notice the part or the feeling/sensation? What thoughts or beliefs are attached to it? How do I feel towards this part of my system? (If the feeling is open and loving, try to let the part feel it).
How do I feel the numbness or lack of contact? What comes up when I stay with it a bit? Can the overflow of tears and sadness (or what else can comes up when I notice the part) turn it down just a little so I can stay with it? Can the part feel me me here with it? What does it need right now to feel loved and safe? — A hand where the sensation feels strongest or on the heart? Some loving thoughts?
You don’t have to do deep IFS work on your own; just being with and accepting your parts even for a few seconds, can set the stage for big change inside and out.
With deep shame and trauma it can be really difficult staying loving and open with your parts in the beginning and working with a therapist is crucial.
(If you cannot afford therapy, ask- and look around in the IFS (and other) communities, to find sliding scales and even free help).
Shame naturally closes us down and when our parents open us up again with their loving and accepting presence, our inner system become flexible and “movable” — their outer safeness facilitates our inner safeness. And we go out into the world stronger and more able to be vulnerable in our romantic relationships and more present with our own children.
Being stuck in our shame and/or an insecure attachment in childhood does not mean that you are unable. We all have that safe attachment inside; it just takes more work to open up to it. — Not because we are broken, but because our systems are so incredible and smart in protecting us.
Our parts helped us survive and now we can help them.
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