What I want Parents to know about Attachment
In the latest episode of Parenting from the Inside podcast, my co-host Joel and I focus on attachment and Self-led parenting.
In my view one of the most important topics for parents (and therapists) to know about is attachment because it gives us a much deeper understanding of ourselves, our children and, for therapists; our clients.
In my own parenting journey, understanding how attachment shapes the nervous system and brain structures, and how my own childhood attachment affected my felt sense of safety (or lack thereof) in the world, how I understood myself, why I sometimes reacted differently than I wanted to in relation to my children and other people; how I was able to parent my children, helped me get out of the stuck and shameful feeling that something was wrong with me.
I, my children and the relational world finally started making sense in a much more helpful and healing way.
For this reason I want to dive into the topic of attachment again. And in this article you can read about what secure and insecure attachment is, why it’s so important and how to be a (more) secure attachment figure for your children and for you inner children (or parts in IFS language).
I also go through The 3 Steps I have created for getting back to Self, which can help you be are more secure attachment figure for your children by being what IFS calls being more Self-led in your parenting.
In the podcast Joel takes you through a meditation using these 3 steps.
As always in my articles, what I write only represents my own opinion, not the IFS Institute or any other Institute from where I am educated.
I am a Family Therapist, a Level 3 IFS therapist (and more) and a mother and wife.
Now let’s have a look at what attachment is!
Childhood attachment is the basis of our future connection with others:
Attachment is really about the relationship the child establishes to the caregiver or parent. This relationship will be on a continuum between very secure and very insecure. And the more secure — or safe — this relationship is, the safer the child feels on the inside as well.
In this way outer attachement (to our parents) leads to inner attachment (parts-to-Self in IFS language).
When the parent is not (always) able to be safe and Self-led, the attachment the child is able to form to the parent will be less secure. The child needs the parent and therefore do not have a choice if they want to attach or not, but will feel less safe — less securely attached- when their parents are not able to be there the way the child needs. Therefore the child will have to develop more survival strategies — or in IFS language there will be more burdened protective parts helping the child survive in a difficult environment — and not show the parts of themselves that are not welcome.
One example of this is the child being punished for showing anger. As a result of this the child will need to hide away — or exile — their anger, assertiveness and boundaries. This might be completely exiled or it might come out in different ways or in other relationships.
If the parent do not comfort and support the child when sad or upset, the child will need to close off to- or be alone with these “unacceptable” feelings until they are pushed back down and/or acted out.
The way the parent is able to be there for the child, shapes how the child is able to be with themselves and how they go out into relationships later in life.
So even though attachment is extremely important in the first few years of life where the foundation of our brain and nervous system is created, it never stops being important and we never stop attaching and relating to other people.
We are social creatures our whole lives and (especially) our early attachment relationships have a huge impact on how we are able to go out into relationships, social interactions and how safe we feel (to be ourselves) with other people.
Insecure attachment stems from a lack of (psychological) safety:
In this way children will attach to their caregivers in the way that is possible. Children cannot be too attached but they can be too insecurely attached when the caregiver is not safe enough or is not able to create a secure enough relationship.
There are many reasons — and many ways — of the relationship not always feeling safe for the child. Sometimes a difficult pregnancy or birth can create a disconnect between parent and child making it difficult for the child to lean into the parent and for many small misattunements to happen, making the child feel less held and thereby less safe.
The birth of my first child did not go well and ended in a c-section. That and the fact of my own insecure (avoidant) attachment made it much harder for us to find each other and for him to be able to lean into me. This in turn made him “a difficult baby” who cried a lot, was less “cuddly”, hard calm and never slept that much, which again made me feel less capable as a mother.
Parents being insecure attachment figures comes in many forms and degrees, and I want you to know that as parents we are never 100 % secure attachment figures. That’s just not humanly possible.
Due to our own unprocessed trauma (and the wider culture we grow up in), some parts of our children will be harder to understand, accept and love, and when we are triggered by our children’s feelings and behaviour, we often end up doing the same as what our parents did (that wasn’t good for us) or the complete opposite, which often feel equally unsafe, because it is a polarised respons from our own childhood, not an attuned response from us to our children and what they need in the present moment.
As caregivers we are not always in control of all that happens, but it is our responsibility to be as safe (not perfect) as we can be, to create a secure foundation for our children.
When our children are not being met as they are, when they are being shut down and left alone in shame, scolded when angry and ignored when crying — or being neglected or abused — the pathways that are used and exercised in their developing brains are the ones that close off, stop feeling, protect against, keep an eye out for danger, for scary facial expressions and so on. There is a highway of pathways inside towards separation and protection. So when there is pain inside, the first instinct is not to seek co-regulation and connection, but shutting off and defending against, because this is what the inner systems of parts (and neural pathways) have learned to be safest.
Secure attachment is a ‘secure base’ — both outer and inner:
Secure outer attachment (and co-regulation) leads to secure inner attachment (Self-regulation).
The outer attachment is the one we create to our parents and the inner attachment is dependent on this, because the parts of us that are not welcomed, loved, seen and met by our parents, will be protected and both shut off from our parents and from our inner parent; the Self.
They will not be in proximity of the Self and the secure inner attachment will therefore not be established.
The father of attachment theory John Bowlby talked about the parent being the “secure base” that the child can lean into and always come back to when feeling an attachment need. This means that the child knows that the parent is there and is emotionally available when needed, which makes it safer for the child to slowly start exploring the world.
Small babies need us physically most of the time; skin to skin, heart to heart (co)regulates the immature nervous system of the child. Being met and seen lovingly, being like, being good for, feeling connected by the heart, slowly sets the child up for feeling safe and still more able to Self-regulate, knowing deep inside that they are loved and lovable; that they are safe being themselves in the world.
In this way the pathways created and strengthened in the developing brain of the child is pathways for connecting, feeling loved and safe inside their own skin and going out into the world with a greater felt sense of safety inside.
When we feel safe(r) in our skin, we feel good enough (at our core) even when we fail, we feel lovable even if someone dislikes us and are able to be with difficult emotions without having to protect away from them (project onto others, numb through TV, substances, work…, dissociate to not feel or merge with other people), but can be with what is (Self-regulation) and reach out when in need (balanced co-regulation).
As we grow older, our level attachments comes from the inside-out:
In this way the secure outer attachment to our parents open up to the secure inner attachment — inner felt safety and connection.
In IFS terms the parts start leaning into the Self of the child. To Self-regulate. The nervous system slowly learns to calm from the inside, not only from the outside (co-regulation).
As a generalisation we can say that when we are securely attached our parts can lean into Self and we can lean into other people, like our partner, family and close friends, from our Self, instead of from the young parts of us that have needs deeper than other people are able to provide and carry for us. Leaning into Self is what our young parts need and leaning out from Self is a more balanced and stable way of being you and me together.
When insecurely attached, our parts will search for and try to lean out to other people, often in chaotic or rigid and unbalanced ways, because they don’t know (or feel safe with) that there is a Self — an inner parent — to lean into.
In this way we often repeat stuck patterns in our relationships because of how our parents were not able to meet us in childhood. Our parts will put unrealistic demands and expectations onto our partner, for instance, and expect them to be there they way we once needed our parents to be, which of course they cannot and which is actually not their job.
The only people who should love us unconditionally and be there for us no matter what, is our parents.
Sadly they could not always do that, but the good news is that you are able to be there for these parts later on through, for instance, IFS therapy. The Self-part attachment that we can give our parts now is not second-best when our partner is not able to be there the way our young parts want them to. Self-part attachment is what you would have had if your parents could have been there for you the way you needed and it is exactly what your parts need now even if they don’t realise it at first.
Remember that healing and inner trust takes time.
We can improve levels of attachment — for ourselves and our children, through becoming more Self-Led:
Secure attachment means that our children feel safe with us. That not just their physical needs are met, but also the emotional and relational.
That our children have a felt sense that they are seen, heard, met and loved as they are and that they know they are able to lean out into us when feeling dysregulated (sad, upset, angry, ashamed, overwhelmed).
That is; we are open to being there the way they need it instead of shutting them down, punishing, ignoring, rejecting and that we do not get dysregulated by their distress.
Our children need our open hearts and our boundaries from a balanced Self-led space inside of us. That means from our core or what IFS calls Self.
Being a Self-led parent can be really difficult when our own childhood was less than good enough. And I want you to know that you will get triggered and you will make mistakes. We all do, often many times a day.
The point is never to be perfect and perfect is never what our children need.
They need us to still love and accept ourselves when we do make mistakes and they need us to take responsibility for the mistakes we make, to clean up after ourselves and apologise when appropriate.
When we do not take responsibility, it lands on the children and it does not belong to them. Ever.
The more we get to know, connect with and heal our own parts and the burdens they carry from the past, the more Self-led we are able to be with our children.
So what is a Self-led parent or how can we be secure attachment figures?
One of the gifts of the IFS view is the understanding of Self.
Self is the inner secure attachment figure — the inner regulation and foundation — that our parts need to lean into to feel safe in the world.
First of all parenting is not something you do, it’s something you are.
Or as Gordon Neufeld would say, as parents our job is not to know the answer but to be the answer.
Some qualities of being a Self-led parent is being emotionally available, being physically available (with boundaries depending on the age of the child), being open to your children as they are, having clear boundaries from the inside (I will go much more into what this means in the next episode of Parenting from the Inside podcast, where the topic is New Danish Parenting) and being safe, so the child knows they can come to you without risking being met with your reactivity (from a burdened part).
In this way the secure attachment relationship protects the child from outside wounding like a shield or like big soft wings around the child.
And again you do not have to be perfect.
When there’s things we cannot do, there’s always a good reason for it because our parts are always reacting to protect us. And when they do so from a stuck place in the past, we want to get curious about that, so that do not pass onto our children what does not belong to them.
Now let’s have a look at The 3 Steps! I also go through these on the podcast — adding in more examples than you get here — and, like I mentioned, Joel takes us through a lovely meditation using The 3 Steps, so that you can get a felt sense of them.
The 3 Steps to Self-led Parenting
Step 1: Drop in (to yourself)
First step when getting triggered in relation to our children, is to take the child out of the equation. That means, just for a moment, focus only on yourself, not on your child (as long as your child is not in an acute unsafe situation).
Dropping into yourself means closing the mental door to the outside world for a moment, noticing your skin or the space around as your boundary to the world and seeing what is needed for you to feel yourself in the here and now.
You are not focusing on the activated part (only) but more towards your core Self. The activated part is there as well and we are not trying to get it to stop, but to ALSO feel ourSelves.
Some ways to do that can be to simply to focus on your breath going in and out of your body, it can be noticing your feet, sitting or lying down and noticing the surface under you; holding you. It can be doing a body-scan, noticing your skin and surface from your feet to your head and/or the inside space of your body.
It’s just about being in your skin, feeling your inner foundation, space or attachment. Knowing in a felt way that there is something to lean into here. This opens up — perhaps just a little — space because we are more securely grounded inwards.
Step 2: All parts WELCOME
Now that you have dropped into yourself (somewhat), invite the triggered part (and any parts having reactions or judgment toward that triggered part) into the space you have created.
As you feel yourself there, invite the part — or parts — to feel you there as well, to notice that there is something or someone here to lean into.
Invite them to look inwards not out.
See what you notice about the part that is present right now: thoughts, feelings, sensations or anything else you’re aware of.
Let it know “I am here, I notice you.”
See if the part can notice you as well or lean in just a little.
And see what the part needs right now to be able to give you space to be with your child as they need you. Maybe it’s just that leaning in right now, maybe it’s promising to check in tonight or in therapy.
Invite it to lean in and to give a bit of space.
Step 3. Choose (through being Self-led)
Now that you have been with your part(s), it’s time to focus outwards again. Open your mental door and notice yourself from the inside with your child.
What does my child need right now?
Being listened to, witnessed, translated, hugged?
And who am I able to be with my child right now?
Do I need space, can I be emotionally available, do I have a yes or a no?
If the part you were with holds anger, it might be appropriate to speak for that anger or the boundary it is trying to keep.
In this way it is not about not feeling anger (or anything else you notice), but speaking for our anger (when appropriate), rather than through our anger is being Self-led.
Noticing ourselves from the inside and becoming more securely attached takes time, and being overwhelmed and feeling triggered is part of that process as well. So don’t despair when it feels impossible sometimes. You’re well on your way.
And it is worth it. Being with our parts — securely attached on the inside — will help us be secure attachment figures for our children, helping us create fulfilling, respectful and loving relationships, and to pass on safety, joy and healing into the next generations.
In the next episode of Parenting from the Inside (and one of the next articles here) the focus is on New Danish Parenting (NDP) which will give you concrete and helpful understanding and tools to what children need, the importance of the relationship and how to parenting from the inside.
To get a tast of the NDP principles, listen to Tammy Sollenberger’s interview with me on the IFS podcast The One Inside.
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