Guide for the IFS Client: Chapter 5: Good to know in IFS therapy
In Chapter 1 I described the system of parts, in Chapter 2 the Self; the inner parent, Chapter 3 was about IFS therapy and in Chapter 4 we looked at what IFS therapy can look like.
Here in chapter 5, which is the final chapter of the first part of this guide, we look at some concepts and understandings that can be good to know about in IFS therapy and the human understanding of which Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a part.
These concepts and understandings are not something you have to fit yourself into, but a way to better understand yourself, your internal system and your reactions. They are there to help you, especially when you feel a little stuck both in therapy and in your way of being with yourself.
Therefore, (as always) only take away from this what you can use right now. Maybe something doesn’t make sense at all — in that case throw it out, because what you feel inside is wiser than any guide can ever be — and maybe something will make sense later or in some areas of your inner work. Regardless, it is only intended as a help to expand your inner map, which is completely unique.
As an IFS trained Family Therapist, I am not a representative of the IFS Institute. I have all my IFS trainings from there, but write from my own view of Internal Family Systems (IFS), which is coloured by my training and experience with attachment, the nervous system and New Danish Parenting.
If you have any questions in regards to this, you are welcome to write to me via my website, where you will also find links to my other articles and both my Danish and International podcast for parents.
When this chapter is about things that are good to know in IFS therapy, it is mostly types of parts and relationships/reactions between parts that I will dive into. Not because some parts are worse, better or more important than others. As already described in previous chapters, all parts have good intentions and want to be helpful. All parts are equally important, but some parts may be harder to differentiate or separate from and thereby notice, and other parts may have strong attitudes towards each other. There is nothing wrong with any of that, it’s just a matter of gradually becoming more aware of it.
Your IFS therapist will help you with this as it becomes relevant, but it is not always that the therapist can spot some of these parts or constellations as early as you can when you have a bit of knowledge about them. This chapter can help you with that.
Performance and over-collaboration
In the previous chapter I have already mentioned parts that perform and over-cooperate, and since these mechanisms or survival strategies are so common, they are especially important to know about when we enter the unequal relationship that constitutes the therapy session.
The therapeutic relationship is unequal because of the power differentiation; the therapist having more power in terms of their role than the client. For this reason, the therapist is responsible for the relationship.
That the relationship is unequal in power does not mean that the relationship is unequal in worth, but can nevertheless lead to feelings of unworthiness and less than in parts of the client who carry painful (childhood) experiences from the similarly unequal relationship with parents (or with teachers, pedagogues, doctors, health nurses, police, etc. ), where this inequality in power has been abused and where the person in power has overstepped boundaries, behaved degradingly, disrespectfully, etc., which can happen in a myriad of both obvious and discrete ways.
Therefore, simply entering the therapist-client relationship can be very vulnerable and trigger, for example, parts that believe they have to perform and over-cooperate in order to get help or to be important.
Danish Family Therapist and writer Jesper Juul (1948–2019) spoke about cooperation (fitting in and being with others) and integrity (being and feeling ourselves from the inside), which is a natural part of being a social creature or a pack animal. We must be able to be ourselves together.
When, on the other hand, we over-collaborate, we collaborate away from ourselves, away from our integrity, i.e. away from being able to feel ourselves (who am I with you?) or away from taking what we feel seriously (who can I be with you?).
When our integrity and boundaries are not respected in childhood, we typically learn to over-cooperate. It’s a survival strategy that, as the word says, has helped us survive and get through it. It is a wise human system that has survived. We have to respect that.
Performance in this sense is anything we can do and accomplish that builds up our self-confidence, but which cannot take the place of our self-esteem and self-worth; who we are. Many of us have been brought up to always try a little harder, do a little more and never be completely satisfied with our efforts. There are often transgenerational family burdens behind such mechanisms, which in many cases go back to times of war and hardship, when things had to look perfect on the surface and it was important to always do one’s best, while there was often not a lot of space for feelings and vulnerability. It was about survival and it still lives in many of us who are adults and parents today, even if we have not experienced the hardship and war directly on our own bodies.
Therefore, parts that carry some of these strategies and burdens naturally come into the therapy room. And they should. They are welcome. Often it is precisely these parts that make us go to therapy, so that we can start doing something other than what is not working.
In IFS therapy we have the motto “All parts welcome” which are not just empty words, but are based on the knowledge that all parts have good intentions and are important. No one need to go away and no one is wrong regardless of the consequences they carry with them. It is the burdens our parts carry that creates the problems, not the part itself, and this is exactly some of what IFS therapy can help with.
Therefore, we don’t try to get rid of parts that perform or over-cooperate, but create awareness about them when they jump into the driver’s seat; start to connect with them and gradually build a safe relationship and attachment between the parts and the Self.
Parts that perform and over-cooperate can, for example, be expressed through a feeling that:
“I have to be a good client”
“I must agree to EVERYTHING the therapist suggests because they are the expert.”
“I have to do what I’m told even if it doesn’t feel good, otherwise I won’t get anything out of the therapy”
“I mustn’t be difficult.”
“I mustn’t take up too much space.”
“The therapist is an important relationship for me, so I have to make sure they likes me.”
“They probably thinks I’m boring if I talk about something other than what they want.”
“I have to do the therapy right and answer the therapist’s questions correctly.”
“I must not fail.”
Simply becoming aware that the feelings or thoughts are coming from parts; that it is not all of me or necessarily the truth, is a big step. Already there, we have differentiated ourselves slightly from the part (and the belief) and created a new awareness within ourselves.
It is important for me to point out here that it is the therapist’s job to facilitate this awareness in the therapy session. It’s not something you can — or should — be able to do yourself at all times. Because that can also then become something you have to perform.
To be clear: There is nothing wrong with feeling these feelings or thoughts and speaking from them.
Whatever is present in you in the therapy session, it is welcome in relation to your therapist. You just have to be you. IFS therapy is not something you should (or can) perform.
IFS is not about doing but about being.
Many of us have learned that we have to figure out what others want from us and deliver it in order to be good enough; that we have to over-cooperate to fit in and that we have to do things right.
It is normal to take these parts with us into the therapy room and it is really positive, because then we can gain awareness of them and work with them. They often work really hard for us and use a lot of our energy.
Self-like parts are parts that resemble Self-energy
We all have what IFS therapy calls Self-like parts.
Most of us have one or more very caring part(s) that have learned to take care of others, especially our parents in childhood and our children in parenthood. These parts have many of the same qualities as the Self; caring, love, empathy and openness.
But unlike our Self, these parts always carry an agenda with them and they do not have the same eternally spacious energy that the Self does, therefore they become impatient, tired or try to help and save our (often) young exiles without checking whether it actually is what the vulnerable parts need and want.
These parts have the best intentions and have often learned early on to work hard (so they can be quite young themselves) and they, like all other parts of our internal system, need to finally discover that there is someone here to lean on; that they are no longer alone and do not have to work so hard anymore.
Sometimes these caring parts do not know that they are not the Self and there can be a lot of fear associated with giving enough space to discover that they are not alone. There is always a good meaning to that, and trust is not something any of our parts just have to give, but something that gradually grows — both trust in the Self and in the therapist.
Caring parts are not the only parts that can be hard to distinguish from Self. Also thinking parts (see below) and any parts that keep close and blend a lot in our daily lives, can feel like Self; like who I am.
We don’t want Self-like parts to go away or disappear (also that is not possible). On the contrary they can become an important part of our inner team when they trust enough to give some space. Just as we have Self energy, so do all our parts and can therefore they be incredibly helpful, especially when they have released their burdens and burdened beliefs from the past.
But the relationship with the Self is the real healing factor that our parts need. Therefore, other parts can the feel the difference when it is a caring part, not the Self, they are in relationship with.
When we feel an agenda; something we want, it’s our cue to become curious about whether it’s a part we’re feeling through and, if so, becoming curious about that part and how it’s trying to help.
Self-like parts can feel like:
Caring and wanting to help vulnerable parts.
Urge to change things and make the pain go away.
Ideas and planning how to help exiles.
Feeling heavy and tired (or no space inside) in caring for parts.
Figuring out and being curious from the head instead of from the heart.
Another (slightly technical) way to discover that we are not so Self-led is to notice if we see ourselves from the outside instead of looking through our own eyes. If you see your parts that is, which of course is not always the case.
If you look out of your own eyes (p.o.v.), you are typically in more Self-energy.
Often parts that take over will slow down the process in the therapy session or there will only be a more superficial “unburdening” (which is sometimes the first step needed in the process).
Remember that you, as a client, cannot do IFS therapy wrong. What has to happen will happen. Your therapist is responsible for the relationship and the process. The descriptions in this chapter are only meant to facilitate a greater awareness inward. If it doesn’t make sense right now or is more confusing than helpful, you just throw it out again.
Thinking or analytical parts
It can be quite difficult to separate from one’s thoughts or thinking parts. They often feel so much like who we are. We have learned that “I think; therefore I am.” But we are not our thoughts. Just as we are not our feelings. And we are also when we are not thinking.
You are the consciousness (Self) behind your thoughts, feelings and sensations (parts).
Therefore, our thoughts and analysing parts are actually able to step back and give us space to just be with the parts that need attention and connection.
Thinking parts are often experienced and felt in our head, which can make them especially difficult to differentiate and separate from, but remember that all parts are more than their function and therefore also have much more flexibility and possibilities than we might believe, once they feel safe enough.
Safety is the code word here. Since our parts are preoccupied with our survival, our internal system of parts will hold on and control more when (always with good reason) there is also a lot of fear and insecurity. That’s a smart system.
When they start to let go a little, they will often discover that it is possible to lean in, lean out or lean back even just a little.
All internal systems — all people — have a longing to lean in, to lean out, to be with, to belong, but for most parts and people there is great fear and insecurity associated with this longing and we must allow it to be many repeated tiny, careful releases that feel anxiety-provoking long before they feel wonderful and safe.
When our attachment has not (only) been secure, there has not (always) been something to lean on and our inner system therefore does not (always) have a felt experience that there is something safe and good to lean into. We have survived.
Our thinking parts often work really hard, not only in learning things and getting us up and out in the world, but also by holding us, by staying up in the head/thinking and creating distance to feelings and/or sensations, and by (together with other protector parts) holding us like an armor when what lies behind and below feels too overwhelming, dangerous and unsafe to be in contact with.
You might want to notice if you have parts that tell stories and talk a lot and easily talk away from your vulnerable places and parts. (Storytellers).
Parts that “jump into your head” and analyse everything you feel and everything that happens in the therapy room.
Parts that need to really understand things before it feels safe to try something out.
Fast thoughts and restlessness when you are not doing anything.
We have a lot to thank these parts for — they work hard and they help us in many ways — and often they need to be given a lot of space, contact and patience to talk and understand at a cognitive level before becoming comfortable and feeling safe letting go a little.
Dissociation and dizziness
Dissociation is a fantastic survival function we humans have. When something is too overwhelming, we can simply disappear a little (or a lot). That’s really really smart.
In IFS therapy, we welcome parts that make all parts and reactions, and we will spend time with the parts that make us dissociate and disappear from ourselves in different ways and help them gain a felt sense of safety in the present.
It is quite common in therapy to get a little dizzy. And I am naming it here because on one hand some find it shameful and on the other, some do not realise that it has anything to do with the therapy session.
But dizziness is often (especially in the therapy session) your internal system saying “Something is too much here, we have to get away from it.”
For that reason we don’t want to ignore such reactions or simply ground a little and then continue, because it is the boundary and concern of the part or the system and we need to respect and be curious about it.
Maybe something needs to go a bit slower or something needs our attention that we weren’t aware of. Some internal systems are so used to dissociating when we feel strong emotions or simply feel emotions with other people that it just happens on autopilot and the parts involved will benefit from discovering that these reactions are no longer needed, that it is safer now and that there are other possibilities.
Again, this is something your IFS therapist should know how to work with and not something you must be able to find your way around in. But I find it useful to know that dizziness and dissociating is a normal and smart reaction of your system and something we want to connect with and be curious about when it comes up in therapy.
Dissociation can feel like:
Disappearing mentally to some degree.
Feeling disconnected, blanking out, feeling nothing.
Not being able to feel your body or the ground and room around you.
Becoming dizzy, head spinning, not being able to focus.
You mind keeps drifting.
Daydreaming.
Seeing yourself from the outside.
Polarisations
Our parts are only as extreme as they have — had — to be.
When the trauma of the past was extreme, our parts and internal polarisations will be equally extreme.
We become very either-or, very black and white inside.
It’s me against them. Either you’re with me or you’re against me.
“Either I have to eat nothing at all or I have to eat it all!”
“Either I have to set my boundaries harshly and lose the relationship or I have to have no boundaries and say yes to everything!”
In polarisations, it is (mostly) a question of two parts with opposite solutions to the same problem.
Like in the last example above: On one side is a part that wants to set harsh, clear boundaries to protect the system and on the other side a part that has learned that in order to maintain love and connection, I must allow others to cross my boundaries and always have it their way. Both sides of the polarisation typically protect the same exile who may have learned that it is unloved and that you are abandoned when you show yourself from the inside.
These two protectors will often become more and more extreme in response to each other.
This can look like: The part that makes you drink an entire bottle of wine every night can typically be polarised with an inner critic. The critic shames the drinker for drinking, which then makes the drinker drink even more so that the system will not feel the shame (from the exile carrying a burden of shame and wrongness), which then in turn makes the critic shame even more.
(Of course this is a simplification — and a part holding the solution of drinking, is not just a drinker, but has many different qualities — AND this is often the way the cycles keep rolling).
When we connect with polarised parts from Self, listen to them and help them to listen to each other’s stories, they will often soften a lot when they realise (1) they are not alone and (2) that they are protecting the same exile and underlying pain. And, when feeling safe enough, they will gradually dare to let go a little together and let the Self help the exile.
Your IFS therapist will make sure not to take sides in polarisations, as this will only intensify the problem and as there is no reason to pick one over the other. Even with, for example, the part that makes us drink too much (which can end up killing us) there is a good intention behind it.
Just as in external polarisations or conflicts, in internal polarisations there is no need for a judge, but for connection; There is a need to be seen and heard.
When we are seen, it becomes less important to be right or to get things your way. We start feeling more safe and become less rigid.
Polarisations can look like:
Preforming vs. Strong anger.
Substance or food abuse vs. Inner Critic or Shamer.
The Do’er vs. The Procrastinator.
Caregiving vs. emotionally unavailable.
Name what you notice
As described in chapter 4, your only job in IFS therapy is to be you. Therefore, nothing that you notice has to change, go away og be different, but the more you can put into words what comes up, the better it can be part of the therapy.
That doesn’t mean you have to tell your therapist everything. In fact, you’re welcome to keep much of what happens inside to yourself if it feels safer (for some parts), and choose what you share and what you don’t share with your therapist. We may have parts that don’t want us to say everything out loud and that’s perfectly okay. That is also being with what is.
You can work with your parts in IFS therapy without telling your therapist very much of what you experience on the inside. The important thing in IFS therapy is the Self-part connection — the inner attachment — and your therapist can facilitate this connection and attachment without taking much part in the story.
At the same time, it can be healing in itself to share one’s story and experience with a safe other and feel met, seen and mirrored back.
Either way, listen to your parts, what they want and why they want it. Then what feels right at this point it will come naturally for your unique system.
In this way, naming what comes up, can simply be saying that you notice something and then giving yourself time to focus inwards and feel what needs to be said and what your inner system is not confident about sharing at this point. Remember that your therapist is there for you, not the other way around. And you don’t have to do anything for your therapist’s sake.
Examples of naming what comes up for you:
“I can’t figure out if I’m doing it right or if it’s just something I’m imagining.”
“I feel like I’m wasting your time.”
“When you say that, I feel wrong.”
“I can’t feel anything.”
“I’ve suddenly become dizzy.”
“Is there something wrong with me when I feel like…?”
“No, that’s not how it is for me.”
“It’s like my throat is closing completely”
“I feel like I have to give you the right answer.”
“I feel misunderstood.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
“I can’t feel that.”
“I get really mad when you say that/look at me like that.”
“I feel scared to go there.”
“I won’t answer that.”
When and if it feels safe, speaking up for what you notice inside can be helpful, both so that your therapist can better meet you where you are and so that you can do so.
And at the same time it is important to respect and listen to parts that do not want tell.
It can be difficult — for some it can feel impossible — to tell your therapist when there is something you don’t like about them or if she says something that doesn’t feel nice or right.
An empathetic and Self-led IFS therapist will often be aware that something is triggered in you in the session and, as a minimum, meet you in what you express. Having said that, therapists, like everyone else, are only human and even though they are responsible for the relationship, there may be things they do not discover, are not aware of or have blind spots on due to their own past trauma.
In Part 4 of this guide, I will go into more detail on finding the right IFS therapist and whether there are signs that you should find a therapist that suits you better. I have written a bit about it in more general terms that are not specific for IFS here.
Remember: There is always a good reason why your parts react exactly the way they do. There is always a meaning and a good intention, both in our outer relationships and family systems and in our inner ones. Also when you cannot see it at this point.
In IFS therapy, all parts are welcome and you are welcome as you are right now.
This was the last chapter in Part 1 of the guide. In the next part, we look at some of the things you can do after and between sessions if you want to dive deeper.
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