What I want parents to know about IFS

As a parent trying to do the best you can for your children, there is a jungle of advise, experts and books out there telling you what to do, what not to do and how to parent your children.
You might be lucky and find something that suits you, but any book, expert or adviser-giver with a one method fits all — or a this worked for me, so it’s the right way — is not really that helpful in the relational field of parenting.

As a new parent (11 years ago) I was looking for such answers and when I finally did find books and experts that had respectful advise on the parent-child relationship and got an understanding and advise on what would be helpful when I was struggling, the shame I felt was even greater because I still couldn’t do it. It just was not working for me. I was stuck.

Fast forward 11 years and I am a Certified Family Therapist and a Level 3 IFS therapist, helping parents that are struggling to find their way in the most important job they will ever have: Parenting.

Parenting, that is; the parent-child relationship, is someting we all know how to do — or be — but due to our own childhood pain, trauma and the cultural burdens of our societies, we disconnect from that inherent wisdom in many ways and thereby from ourselves and our children.
Therefore a lot of what we need to learn as parents, is not about our children— we can benefit from that too and I will get back to that in later articles — but about ourselves and what we in IFS language call our burdened parts.

Therefore I and my co-host Joel Bubbers have created a new podcast for parents, called: Parenting from the Inside.
Here we focus on IFS, Attachment and New Danish Parenting — and all the parenting explorations and topics that comes from these human views.

In the very first episode we focus on “What parents need to know about IFS” — this is a basic introduction to the IFS view as it applies to parenting. You can listen to the episode here.

IFS is short for Internal Family Systems and is a type of therapy that is non-pathologic, respectful and can be deeply healing. But IFS is more than just a therapeutic modality, it is a human view that helps us understand ourselves and our children at a much deeper level, which in itself fosters healing, connection, compassion and love.

The reason the IFS human view is so helpful and even healing to know for parents, is that it fits beautifully with what we know today about (mental) health, healing, child development, attachment and the nervous system.
This is why simply understanding ourselves and our children through the IFS lens, can change a lot inside of ourselves and in relationship to our children.

Here’s the five things I want parents to know:

1. We all have parts

Through the years, the mind has often been described as many layered, some being conscious, others not and some being more in charge than others, but still the mind, the human being and the human experience has been seen as singular. And minds, human beings and human experiences that vary from that, has been seen as somewhat pathological — and often still is.

This is, in my mind(s), part of an old paradigm where people are either broken/weak/wrong or strong/whole/right — And where being broken is a flaw of that specific person, rather than a healthy survival strategi; an adaptive response to difficulties in (early) life, with unsecure attachment figures, unsafe close relationships and circumstances, and the not so healthy modern societies we have created.

In the IFS perspective we see the mind as naturally multiple and we call the different aspects of our mind Parts simply because this is a natural part of the language of most people when they describe their inner experience.

“A part of me just want the kids to sit down by the dinner table, eat the food I prepared, tell me about their day and have a good time.
Another part of me knows that when I feel like that, my children don’t have much wiggle room to be unhappy, to not like the food, to have a bad day and to not want to talk to me right now.
Of course feeling stuck like that makes them wiggle a whole lot more.”

“A part of me is so annoyed with my husband when he doesn’t clean up after himself. Does he think I’m his mother or what?!
Another part of me feels like he’s doing it the wrong way anyway when he does clean up, so why bother asking him to do it!”

“A part of me wants my kids to get a good education, get ahead in life and be on top in this stressful society.
Another part of me just want us to spend our time together— just being — instead of always being so busy with what lies ahead.”

Parts are a normal aspect of the human experience. We do not have just one thought, one idea in life or one way we want to do things.
We are conflicted and messy, we have feelings that doesn’t always make sense to us and we have reactions that we feel ashamed and angry about.
We have parts and we react differently depending what part is present, activated or triggered at that moment. This is as true for our children as it is for us. This is why our children can react very differently at one moment than at the next. It’s a different part of their internal system that is reacting.
This is normal.
Knowing about this inner family of parts we all have, and responding appropriately will calm our children and our inner children (ie parts) and make connection possible even in difficult situations and conversations.

We’re about to leave to pick up my 11 year old son at his role-playing event, when his 8 years old sister has a meltdown. All her clothes are suddenly annoying and itchy and wrong, she has nothing to wear and is extremely distressed about it.
A few minutes ago her clothes were completely fine (as far as I know). She’s now crying and in what feels like very stuck mindset. She’s saying that she does want to go — she was actually looking forward to seeing people dressed up like elves and knights — but she can’t.

The first thing I do is send my attention inwards and I notice that part of me feels frustrated and impatient with my daughter. “Here we go again” it says (inside of me) and; “Why can’t we just do simple things without her having a meltdown?” This part feels stuck as well and there’s a desperation to the underlying feeling.
I notice it and ask it to settle. It does. It trusts me.
Now I can turn to my daughter with more of an openhearted curiosity.

I sit down next to my daughter and connect from inside: “I know you said you are really looking forward to going” I say and pause for a moment; “But am I right that there’s also a part of you that doesn’t want to go?”
She looks up at me for a moment. There’s a bit more connection than before. A bit more being seen. “I imagine,” I continue slowly; “That the part of you that doesn’t want to go, is worried about seeing the scary masks of some of the kids dressed up as ogres and trolls. Is that right?”

She nods, tears starting to slide down her checks as she leans into me.
“That makes a lot of sense to me” I say as I hold her and her scared part; “And you might see someone who dressed in scary masks, but I will be right there with you. And if you want to, you and I can stay in the car and just watch from there. How is that?”
“I would like that,” she says; “And I want Benjamin to come with us.”
(Benjamin is her huge giraf teddy bear).

2. Parts take on burdens

We all have multiple minds; we all have parts that help us throughout our lives and in all of our relationships. But as you might have noticed, even though our parts are trying to help, they are not always very helpful at all. Quite often they are actually the opposite of helpful.

“Part of me get all nervous at parenting meetings and birthday parties, and makes me feel like I’m not as good or perfect as the other moms. Like I’m less. This makes another part of me act weird and clumsy, so I end up looking stupid, which then confirms the belief of the nervous part.”

“Part of me swore that I would never be like my mother. But another part just gets so angry with my children sometimes and my mothers voice flies right out of my mouth.
Another part then shames me about it.”

“Part of me wants my partner to see me; to understand my pain, but another part makes me completely shut off and hide away when feeling vulnerable. Either that or I just start screaming at him. None of it gets me what I need.”

When the help of our parts is not very helpful at all, it is because they have taken on burdens from the past and therefore the reactions, feelings and beliefs they bring forth are not congruent with what is happening in the present, but is instead triggered by it.

In this way, when we have a part that has been hurt by past experiences, it can hold a belief like: “I am not good enough.” This part is then triggered by social gatherings with peers and in those moments we see the world and ourselves through the eyes of this part.

Or a part has been hurt by the anger of her mother in childhood. But when another part gets triggered and overwhelmed in relationship to her children, it does not know what else to do, to get the control back, than what it learned in the past from her own mother.

And a part longs for the real and vulnerable connection that is possible with her romantic partner. But as vulnerability was not safe or welcome in childhood, other parts get triggered as soon as there’s the smallest hint of “not safe or welcome” and therefore protects by shutting off or attacking.

All of these reactions and feelings make sense, but they are not congruent with the present — they are reactions and beliefs form the past — and therefore they disrupt the connection that we all long for deep down.

An important part of the IFS view is the distinction between our parts and their burdens:
A part holds shame but is not the shame.
A part speaks like her own mother but is not an internalised mother figure.
A part holds anger but is not the anger.
A part holds the solution of shutting off, but is not the wall it is creating.
And so on.
This is why we don’t want to get rid of, ignore or fight our parts. Instead we want to get curious about them and (in therapy) help them heal and release their burdened beliefs, thereby creating more felt safety and choice in reacting from a more flexible and present space.

3. Trauma is the cause of burdens

When parts are in their natural and free state, they do not carry burdens. We all have parts in these states that help us be in flow, feel connected, be joyful, playful, creative, assertive, vulnerable and strong from within.

But when trauma occurs, parts take on burdens to protect us and by doing so they very often stay stuck in the time and place of the past where the trauma happened, while other parts (to protect) keep these parts, memories, sensations and beliefs out of our conscious awareness as much as they can.

Trauma is a word that many of us do not identify as part of our lives. It sounds like war, extreme violence, rape and accidents — and sometimes it is. But trauma is also repeatedly not being met and seen for who we are (in childhood), not being comforted when we needed it, being shamed, bullied (by family or peers), being defined and told/shown who we can and cannot be, being left alone and having our boundaries crossed in a myriade of ways.

Something traumatic or not is not so much about what happens to us, as much as it is how overwhelming what happens to us is. When we are met, held and witnessed in difficult situations, the pain does not stay stuck inside of us, but is able to move and when we are seen with loving eyes, met, believed and comforted after extreme or difficult events, the pain can move much more easily instead of staying stuck as burdens.

What is traumatic to one person therefor is not necessarily traumatic to another, depending both how they are meet and held in and after the situation and how they have been met before; if their outer and (therefore) inner attachment is secure and strong or not.

Katie is 34 and the mother of two gorgeous children age 3 and 5.
Katie is very unsure when it comes to the interactions between her two children. Sometimes the older one can be quite harsh and even violent towards the smaller one.
Is that normal? Is she doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with the older one? When should she stop him and when should she let them figure it out? — these and many more questions come up inside of Katie and make her feel quite overwhelmed and paralysed. She often ends up scolding the older one, out of sheer frustration, and then shames herself about it afterwards.

In Katie’s IFS therapy sessions she gets to know the part of her that feels overwhelmed. This part, it turns out, is a 6 year old little girl who was being bullied by her older sister and her friends.
The interactions between Katie’s children triggers this little girl part who is still stuck in that difficult time and place. And like many parts who are exiled (kept out of consciousness), when this little girl is triggered she fights her way to the surface of consciousness with such force — to perhaps finally be heard this time! — that her energy completely overwhelms and paralyses Katie.
To the rescue comes the protector part that scolds her oldest son to make overwhelm go down and sends the little girl part back into exile until next time.
Katie knows that this is not a good solution and her shaming protector part comes out to really let her know that she shouldn’t scold her son.
As with many burdened protectors, both the part that scolds and the parts that shames are trying to help — they are doing the best they can — and none of them are actually helpful.

As we work with these parts in IFS therapy, we witness the the 6 year old part and help her unburden the pain she is carrying and Katie brings her to the present as an integrated part of her internal system.
This in turn helps the protectors out of their rigid roles and it helps Katie stay more present and balanced in relation to her children.

When we heal our pain from the past, we don’t pass it on to our children.

4. You make sense

No matter how mad things can seem sometimes — inside of us and in our relationships in the family — there is always a meaning and a postive intention behind behavior, symptoms, feelings and reactions.
Not being able to see the good intention — or the outcome being very negative and even destructive — does not take away the good intention. This is true in our own inner system and it is true in our children.

Therefore shaming or scolding inside or out is never helpful, useful or necessary. (And when our parts are stuck in critical (or) shaming spirals, that always makes sense as well).

What is helpful is getting curious about ourselves and/or our children. Forced curiosity is not what I am talking about here, just like forced self-compassion is not true compassion. When we try to force something through, it will be a stiff and rigid connection and there is a good chance we will end up feeling like failures and shame ourselves about it.

The good news is that you don’t have to force or train your curiosity or compassion, because it is already there. Just like we all have parts, we also all have Self; the inner parent and core of us. And from this space inside, the curiosity, compassion and Self-love, will flow all on it’s own.

5. Self; The Inner Parent

At our core we are all love. This might sound too good to be true and it is not.
The rigidity, chaos and pain we all carry in different ways, are carried by our parts. They do a huge job for us and often sacrifice their own freedom and playfulness along the way. They are the children of our internal systems and they are working hard keeping us alive (often from somewhere in the past).

Just as our own children need to be able to lean into the secure attachment of us, their caregivers, our inner children, or parts, need to be able to lean into the Self inside of us. These inner secure relationships can take time to form, and most of us need therapy to help them along because we have not all been blessed with the outer secure attachment that was rightfully ours.
This was never our fault as children, but now that we are adults, it is our responsibility to heal and re-connect inwards so that we can be (more) secure attachment figures for our parts and for our children.

Here’s 5 simple (not always easy) steps for secure Self and Parts relationships that helps foster secure Parent and child relationships:

1. Slow down.

When we slow down it is really hard to be reactive and we can stop the spiral of inner and outer reactions before they take off.
Trauma and triggered energy is fast. Healing and conscious energy is slow.

This can look like simply stopping physically. Stop moving.
This can be just focusing on our breath or notice our feet on the ground.
This can be sitting or lying down for a moment (if possible in the situation).
Or just placing a hand over the heart.

2. What do I notice?

When we slow down we can start to notice what is happening inside of us.
And when we start to notice our parts (reactions, sensations, feeling…) we start to separate from them just a little, which in itself is regulating and stabilizing. We are more with than in our parts.

What do I notice? (Anger, shut down, sadness…) How do I notice it? (in my body, as thoughts, impulses…) What else do I notice about it? (Really noticing this as a part of us, not all of us).

3. Curiosity

Do I have any sense of curiosity and compassion towards this part right now?
It might be annoying that it is there. Other parts might be sick of this part or even scared of it. That’s normal. Just acknowledge this as well.
And if there is any sense from within you of openness, groundedness, curiosity towards this part, notice that and invite the part to notice it as well.
There might be a bit more space for you at this point. Just stay with that.

If there is not, there’s always a good reason for it. Our parts are only as extreme as they need(ed) to be. This is not a sign of pathology but of a smart system trying to protect you.
And just you slowing down a bit, is creating a difference.

This can look like noticing your heart feeling open or varm, that you have a space inside, feeling curious or welcoming towards the part or feeling. — And seeing if that space or open heartedness can expand even a little or flow through your body or awareness — or just inviting the part to notice or feel it there. For some this feels easy for others it can seem a bit abstract.
If it doesn’t make sense a this point, don’t worry. Putting a hand on the place you feel the part (if it is felt in your body) or saying inside “I notice you” can also be just right.

4. What’s important?

Take a moment at notice what is important for this part that you are in contact with. Sometimes our parts will fade from awareness and give us space to be present just from us connecting with them like this.
And sometimes they have something important they need us to know about themselves, about the past and about the present (like when our boundaries are overstepped or we feel misunderstood or judged).
Our parts communicate in many ways, not just through words and thoughts. A sensation, a feeling, an image or a memory can be a parts way of telling you something important for this part and for you.

This can be the stomach feeling tight and painful. Something does not feel right and you might need more time before making an important decision.

This can be your child crying triggering a part you that was abandoned when you cried as a child, making it very hard for you to stay present. This part needs more loving attention.

This can be your throat tightening up making you hold back anger as someone is overstepping your boundaries.

5. Choice

As you have slowed down and noticed yourself and your parts, now you can choose, from a (more) conscious space, how you want to interact and respond to your children or other people you’re interacting with and being triggered by.
In this way we can be informed by our parts and all the important and often very helpful knowledge they have, and we can choose from Self how we want to respond in the situations, interactions and relationships of the present.

This will help us speak for our anger, sadness and other feeling, instead of from them. — Speaking about ourselves, not about the other person.
This helps us take responsibility for ourselves, our boundaries, our pain and our truth. And it helps us not define, shame and pass on pain to our children.
In this way our inner attachment and relationships helps us be more loving, conscious and competent in our outer relationships.

To learn more on “What parents need to know about IFS” listen to the first episode of Parenting from the Inside Podcast.

If you have any questions or thoughts, feel free to contact me.

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