Guide for the IFS Client: Chapter 4: The IFS Therapy Session
In chapter 1, we focused on the system of parts in view of Internal Family Systems (IFS).
In chapter 2 on Self; the inner parent and chapter 3 was about IFS therapy.
Here in chapter 4, we look more concretely at what IFS therapy CAN look like.
I write CAN because all IFS trained therapists and practitioners work differently and come from very different backgrounds, therapeutic directions, coaching, etc. Later in this guide I will go into more detail about how to find the right IFS therapist and I have also written more generally about it here. In addition, all clients (all people!) are different (and all parts are different), so what is needed in each session and with this client (and part) will always be somewhat different.
As always, I base my articles on my own knowledge and experience both as an IFS trained therapist but also as a Family Therapist etc. In other words, all the knowledge I have about the nervous system, attachment, the body, the importance of relationships for development and trauma.
I do not represent the IFS Institute in the things I write, but I have my IFS educations from the institute. You can see my educations here and if you have any questions, feel free to write me.
IFS therapy
As in all other forms of therapy, the therapy room (whether it is online or you show up physically) must be a safe space; i.e. a secure relationship. This does not mean that you have to feel safe, but that the therapist is a safe person, that there is space and time to notice what comes up for you, to land in the room and for you to feel exactly the way you feel at that very moment.
In IFS therapy, all parts are welcome. — Everything you sense, notice, feel, think is welcome. This means that you don’t have to feel a certain way, notice something specific or have the answers to anything. The only thing you have to do is be you exactly as you are right there and then.
Not being able to feel anything, being frustrated, feeling unsafe or not wanting to be in the therapy room comes from our parts and is, with a Self-led therapist, as welcome as anything else that might come up.
Specifically in IFS therapy, after landing in the room (which can take five minutes or half an hour depending on how you’re feeling at what feels important to name), we start by becoming aware of the part we choose to focus on in the session or the part who chooses to be in focus.
When there is a sense of safety between therapist and client (which is always the therapist’s responsibility), it can be felt inside and we can begin to create space to turn our attention inward.
The therapist invites you to start noticing what you notice inside and how we notice it.
This is not something you have to be able to do, know how to do or figure out. As I describe below, our parts are expressed — and communicate — in many different ways. This is not something you need to know about in advance and it is not something you as a client have to perform or something you can do wrong.
Examples of ways parts are expressed CAN be:
“I feel uneasiness in my chest”
“I feel a knot in my stomach”
“I feel sadness behind my eyes”
“I can’t feel anything. It’s just empty inside.”
“I can feel that it is annoying that you ask”
“I get distracted when I focus inside. My thoughts fly away to what I have to do later.”
“I just hear a voice saying; You don’t know how to do this!”
“It’s just dark and empty inside. I don’t like feeling it.”
“I see a little girl. She is standing with her back to me and won’t look at me.”
“I feel uneasiness in my legs.”
“I see myself as a 5-year-old.”
Many clients choose to close their eyes when focusing inward, some blur their gaze a little or look away from the therapist, others just keep their eyes open. What feels right for you at any given moment, is the right way to do it. You do not have to do anything specific, but just notice what feels the easiest, best and safest for you.
Everyone has their own way of being in touch with their parts and all internal systems and parts express themselves differently.
Most internal systems have a specific way in which their parts are typically (but not always) expressed.
It can be like physical sensations in and around the body, like inner images and memories, inner movies. It can be thoughts or voices in or around the head, as persons (characters, shapes, figures, colours) we see before our inner eye. There is no wrong way. And often through the process (of therapy) parts will show themselves in several ways or change, so that what is at first “just” a sensation, becomes an image, a memory, a voice or a person.
Whether it is one or the other can be related to when and how the trauma occurred — or the trauma layer — but it can also be about how we listen or have learned to listen (or not listen) to our parts. And there may be other reasons and again there is no wrong way. They are all correct.
For me, my parts typically (but not always) first express themselves very physically, as sensations and physical symptoms. The earlier the trauma, the more physical the therapy will often be for me, but there will also often be images that represent what was difficult or inner persons I see inside. Even what I don’t remember explicitly can express through sensations and images.
You can listen to a more detailed description and participate in a short meditation focusing on noticing parts in the first episode of my podcast.
Regardless of how parts are expressed, we can work with them and “speak” their language. But if you know that your parts are very physical and do not have much verbal language, it can be an advantage to find a therapist who is trained in SE, the nervous system, Somatic IFS and the like, as they will have experience with non-verbal language, which not all IFS therapists have.
The body is an important part of IFS therapy. The body remembers what the mind does not. And it is most often in the body that we feel or do not feel ourselves and our parts. This can mean that we have many and strong sensations or physical symptoms. That sensations and energy moves in the body during the therapy. That there is no need for words, but only touch (Unless you are in physical therapy, it is typically only you who puts a hand on you. Your therapist will not touch you physically without your informed and Self-led consent). It can also mean that we cannot feel ourselves or the body at all.
Therefore, several of the exercises I include in part 2 of this guide will focus on the body.
Many people feel on unsure ground when it comes to the body, because we have gotten used to not feeling and do not know what to do when we are asked to notice or feel our bodies.
It is completely normal. And it can take years to really relearn the language of the body. These are small steps that lead to more and more contact and awareness inwards, and gradually we inhabit our bodies more. Gradually, it flows by itself because inner experience, safety, trust and simply nerve pathways are created that connect places inside that have been more isolated and unintegrated.
Remember that there is always a reason for exactly what you feel, don’t feel, have access to or don’t have access to. You are in the right place right now and from exactly where you are, you can take your next step back towards yourself.
When we start focusing into our bodies a little and try to put into words what we feel, there is nothing right or wrong to feel or notice. And there is no right or wrong way to express it. Therapy is not a place where you have to perform, it is a place where you can be you exactly as you are right now, so you can only do it right.
Client: “I don’t know. I can’t really feel anything. There is just emptiness inside me.”
Therapist: “Okay, so you feel emptiness. How do you notice the feeling of emptiness?”
Emptiness or “nothing” are not states that must go away in order for you to feel your body; emptiness and “nothing” is exactly what you feel in your body right now. So that’s what we’re curious about.
Similarly, your therapist does not ask about what you notice or about your parts to get answers from you, but to help you create awareness and contact inward right where you are.
The therapy
When you start to notice the part we focus on in the therapy session, it typically becomes more distinct or clear to you, because what happens when you notice it is that you separate from it just a little, so you are in proximity of it instead of being in it. AND so that it is with you instead of having taken over. It is no longer alone.
This is one of the most important things that is often skipped in therapy: The inner relationship and attachment.
It may take time for the part to realise that you are there — that there is an inner Self; a possible inner connection — The part might see you as other parts (with which you are also often blended to some extent — sees the world through) and it might also be that the part does not want to talk to you at all. It may feel let down by you or it may not know who you are. All of this is normal.
IFS therapy is often a completely new way of being with yourself — your inner parts — that your internal system doesn’t know about yet.
Conversely, it also often happens with new clients when that, when we facilitate connection inwardly to a part and invite it to feel that the client’s Self is there, that the part responds: “It’s about time!”
When we make contact within, we are not trying to make our parts do anything; instead, the focus is simply on creating the connection that is possible at this very moment between parts and the Self. We create enough safety for something to open up a little. It can take anything from seconds to minutes to months.
Regardless, there is always a good reason why the parts react the way they do, so there is nothing wrong with the fact that it can take time to build contact and trust.
The most important thing here is to being slow — slow is fast as we say in psychotherapy — because when we are being fast and want something to happen, this agenda comes from another part, not from the Self, and then the process will not flow in the same way. Parts do not heal in connection with other parts; they heal in connection with Self.
In IFS therapy, ALL parts are welcome and we spend time appreciating the parts that, for example, have an agenda. They always try to help and they do an important job for the system — for you.
Some parts are eager to finally get attention and others are not interested at all.
Simply creating a safe connection between Self and a part creates new paths within, but often our parts want to tell, in their own way, what is important for them, what they fear, what or whom they protect and why, and what their story is.
In this way, we will gradually witness the important stories our parts carry — we will see them — and (gradually) help them to release their burdens from something that once was; and which for them still is.
Just as the children in our outer family are as important — have just as much worth — as the adults, our inner parts are just as important and worthy as the Self. When we really feel that, we can acknowledge our parts from the heart when they emerge or take over (both in therapy and out in the world) and we can be with ourselves in a new and loving way instead of being ashamed of that which makes so much sense.
I notice you
In IFS therapy, it is possible to heal all of the burdens that our inner exiles (and protector parts) carry. When this happens in the deeper layers, a lot can change in our way of being in the world. All trained IFS therapists learn (among many other things) a model or a map to help exiles release their burdens, BUT: IFS therapy is much more than unburdening; IFS therapy is more than anything else (in my opinion) about (re)creating the inner secure attachment that many parts of us have not had the opportunity to lean into before. The Self-to-part attachment can happen when we create a safe enough space and help our parts to be in connection with the Self instead of the parts either taking over or being hidden away.
When we begin to notice our parts — in the body, as thoughts, as images, as feelings — and we feel open to them, we can also invite them to know that we notice them. We can send words, thoughts, put a hand on our heart or let Self-energy flow through the body and invite our parts, in the way that feels right for for them, to feel that we are here.
Before that happens, the part will typically not know you are there. If it doesn’t notice it now either, there is always a good reason for it. It is not something you have to figure out, but in IFS therapy something your therapist will facilitate.
In IFS therapy, we do not need to figure anything out. It may sound liberating, but it can also be really difficult because most of us are used to being in relationships (with ourselves and others) from a head-controlled place. AND: It can feel really scary not to be, because it implies a loss of control.
When we are in connection with our parts, they can communicate in many different ways and it is important that we listen with an open heart. We don’t have to think the answer and try to figure something out. When we do that, this doing or performance comes from another part which will then stand somewhat in the way of the Self-energy and thereby of the connection.
All of that is not something you need to know or something that needs to make complete sense when you read it here. This is something your therapist is responsible for and will help you with.
Some new clients in IFS may well become unsure whether they are just “making up the answer” from parts, but even if they do, it also comes from within themselves, so it doesn’t really matter and when the parts of us that are unsure gradually begin to feel more safe in the therapy, the deeper layers will become more accessible.
Sometimes in IFS therapy we ask parts to step back and give space. This can trigger the parts of us that have learned to perform or that think they have to over-cooperate or do something specific that the therapist says, to get help.
It is not the case.
There is nothing you and your parts have to do to get something out of IFS therapy. The only thing you have to be is to be yourself.
We never force parts to step back and when parts do not want to make room or take chances in or outside of therapy, there is always a good reason for it.
What is in the way is the way. — A part that does not want to give space, a part that takes over, etc. is not in the way of the process; they are the next step in the process; they are the ones we have to be with.
At the start of my own IFS therapy as a client, I had a manager part that pushed aside the parts that were asked to step back. I have experienced this with clients too, before I myself became more sensitive to the nuances.
It is the system that decides and nothing needs to happen that is not ready to happen. We don’t have to be where we want to go, we have to be where we are and take the next small step from there. That is the fastest way.
When and if parts give space — either by stepping back further out of consciousness or by just moving out a little so we can be with them, we will often be able to feel a more spacious or loving feeling inside. It may feel like we have more room inside, can better breathe deeply and feel ourselves in the chair, or there may be a feeling of warmth or energy moving. Everyone feels Self-energy differently and it is not something we need to feel large amounts of, it can just be a small shift inside, an opening in the heart or a heartfelt curiosity. You will begin to feel how Self-energy feels to you when you begin to get to know yourself in this way.
All parts are welcome in IFS therapy and it is never our goal to make parts disappear.
It is the parts that decide. They are the ones in power. And they will ALWAYS be part of the inner system. Not even when we heal our wounds and traumas will they disappear, but their burdens will.
Instead, our parts become more free. You become more free and flexible WITH your parts.
Your parts are therefore always a part of you. And as you gradually feel your Self-energy more, there is plenty of love and space within you for each and every one of them.
Respectful therapy
In IFS therapy, we always respect the system. That’s why we don’t just “jump” directly down to the underlying pain — i.e. the exiles — or push our way past the upper protective layers, but always start with the protective parts and get their permission before we make contact with the exiles.
This can take minutes, hours, weeks or months. All internal systems are different and there is always a deeper meaning to it.
When in therapy we have permission from the protective parts, we can create contact with the inner exiles who are often very alone and hold large burdens of pain and negative beliefs about themselves and the world. We can create the safe connection needed to witness and help these (often young) parts with what was once difficult (which still is for them) and we can help them out of the place and time in the past where they are stuck and let go of the burdens of pain and negative convictions they carry.
Your IFS therapist is an expert in all of this, so you don’t need to be. But YOU are the expert on your particular system and what feels right. This “overrides” everything else.
The IFS therapist and the IFS method or theory are only there to support you. It is the backdrop, not the truth and not the right way to do anything. What feels right inside you when you are in therapy is what is right.
And when it feels safe enough in the therapy room to put into words what you feel inside and in relation to your therapist, your IFS therapist can help you (even better) exactly as you and your system need it.
IFS therapy is different from many other forms of therapy in that in IFS therapy we do not just become aware of the pain from our exiles and perhaps spend a bit of time with it, but that we actually create an inner attachment — Self-to-part — and help the parts out of the places they are stuck and to let go of their burdens when they are ready.
After that we also help the protecting parts to witness or see the change and when ready choose to unburden and change their ways of protecting to suit the system as it is now.
If we skip this step, the protective parts can get stuck in their roles without knowing that the pain is actually no longer there. In doing so, we will still react in the same way as before out in the world and in our relationships and do not fully integrate the internal change that has taken place.
IFS therapy is about helping the incredibly wise inner system back to wholeness and balance.
It is a way back to yourself.
In the next chapter, we focus on specific things to be aware of in IFS therapy.
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