The Third Principle of New Danish Parenting: Conscious Parenting
The way we parent our children and how we can be ourselves in relation to them has such a huge impact on how they can be in relation to themselves both now and later in life.
And so being and becoming conscious parents is a gift that keeps on giving. Loving our children in a felt way, allowing them to be who they are inside and out, changes not just the present, but also the future.
And it starts with us knowing and loving ourselves on the inside.
In this third and last principle of New Danish Parenting (NDP), we dive into three important parts of doing just that, when we look at: (1) The parent as responsible for the relationship, (2) Personal leadership and (3) Becoming conscious on the inside.
What is New Danish Parenting?
New Danish Parenting (NDP) is a term I have created, to built on and deepen what we in Denmark call “The New Child View,” coupled with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the deep knowledge we have today about attachment theory and the nervous system.
NDP has three principles: The first is about the child, the second about the relationship and the third is about the parent.
Here you can read the first principle: Children Always Make Sense.
And here you can listen to the episode with the same title on Parenting from the Inside podcast.
Here you can read the second principle: Relationships Matter Most.
And here you can listen to the episode on Parenting from the Inside podcast.
This article you’re reading now dives into the third principle: Conscious Parenting.
And here you can listen to the episode on Parenting from the Inside podcast.
Only take what you can use
On the podcast Parenting from the inside we always remind our listeners to only take what they can use. This is so important when it comes to parenting because when you’re a parent everyone seems to have an opinion on what you should do and how you should do it, there are so many experts and books, there are so many family members, friends and even random people that don’t even know you, giving you advise that you may or may not have asked for and probably can’t use.
We don’t want to add to that, so we want you to know that we are not experts on you, on your relationships, your family, your children. When it comes to you and your family, you’re the expert.
And anything you read here or listen to in the podcast is only important if it feels helpful to you and if it facilitates you seeing yourself and your children with more love, more understanding and more clarity.
Only take what you can use.
What is a conscious parent?
Being conscious means being and becoming aware on the inside and from the inside. We don’t have to have it all figured out, but knowing that even when we don’t know how our feelings or the reactions and behavior of our children makes sense, it still does. It always makes sense and we, just like our children, are always doing the best we can.
When we become more conscious, more aware from inside, doing the best we can moves and changes.
When we begin to slow down and look inwards in ourselves, we can be with the landscape of feelings, thoughts, reactions, burdens and symptoms that our parts carry and be with the parts instead of just reacting head on and taking the burdened beliefs at face value. Just like our children in the family, our inner children; our parts, need to be translated and seen. This is where IFS helps us relate on the inside in a new and deeper way. It helps us see, understand, listen; it facilitates compassion and love.
1. The parent is responsible for the relationship
In the last article I focused on the the power difference between the parent and the child. As the leader of the family the parent is naturally the caretaker of the child, but — for many reasons — can take the role of the bully instead. There are many ways “the normal” — the old paradigm — of our “modern” societies around the world supports this negative and hurtful role of the parent.
As the leader of the family, the parent is responsible for the children. In being responsible we acknowledge and hold what is ours: I do not blame my children for my reactions or feelings, I am able to — or at least try to — tell the past from the present, so that I don’t pass on the trauma and pain from my childhood to my children. And I can hold what happens in my children, so that they are not alone with their difficult emotions.
In an equal relationship between adults we both carry 50 procent of the responsibility for what happens between us.
In this way I am responsible for what happens in me in response to you, you are responsible for what happens in you in response to me and we are both responsible for what happens between us; for how we communicate, for how we listen, for setting boundaries, for respecting boundaries and differences.
So I am not responsible for your triggers, but I am very much responsible for what I speak and how I speak it. For instance raging at you for overstepping my boundary is very different from noticing the anger that will naturally show up when boundaries are threatened or overstepped, and speaking it. Being Self-led.
Likewise parents are together responsible for their children and for finding their way in coparenting.
In the relationship between parent and child however, the parent carries 100 procent of the responsibility.
This means being responsible for how we hold the room, for how we show up, for our actions and reactions to and with our children. It means being a Self-led parent.
In this way the atmosphere or the mood in the family is the responsibility of the parent. Your child did not “ruin the mood.” The mood is not theirs to hold and to carry. But when we blame them in this way, the responsibility lands on them.
As we know today children always make sense. So a child that’s upset, sad, angry and so on needs connection, curiosity and understanding, not blame, punishment and shut down.
The parentified child
A parentified child is a child that becomes the caretaker, in some ways, of the parent. Simply put the roles get reversed. This is not black and white, but a continuum.
In the less extreme versions we see what is often considered “normal” parenting behavior of blaming the child for the mood and atmosphere of the family and situation.
The parent not taking care of, or responsibility for, feelings and situations moves us further along the continuum, where the child has to take the responsibility that the parent does not.
The child might have to take care of themselves and siblings physically and emotionally, cook, clean, provide emotionally support for smaller siblings, for the parents. Again there are many degrees and nuances to this.
The child may have to tread on eggshells when entering the home that’s supposed to be their safe space from the world. They may to work hard to feel good enough to get any kind of love and acknowlegdement from their caregivers.
They may have to be the confident of the parent or the messenger and peacekeeper between two high conflict parents.
And in the extremes they may have to take care of — and live in the uncertainty of — parents who abuse drugs, alcohol, parents with physical or mental impairments, that are not getting the outside support that they need, or even parents threatening to kill themselves or who overstep boundaries in emotional, physical and/or sexual ways inside the family.
Responsibility, blame, shame, guilt. It all lands on the child in so many ways and aside from the heavy burden and misplaced responsibility of carrying your parents, your siblings and so on, all the feelings and thoughts the child themselvs naturally need help with, has no where to go and must be shut off and repressed. The child’s own natural development get’s blocked and truncated because integrity and the differentiation from the parent is not allowed and not safe. Becoming themselves is not safe.
Again, this is a continuum and as parents we don’t need to do this perfectly or be perfect in any way. That is not what our children need. But the do need us to take responsibility when we mess up. To apologize when we see our mistakes and make the changes we have to.
This is of course only really possible when we don’t end up in self-blame over what we did and did not do.
So I want you to take to really hear this, for your sake and for the sake of your children: No one is to blame. We all do the best we can.
When we mess up, it is often because parents messed up, because their parents messed up, because their parents messed up and on it goes. Mistakes happen. Pain happens. Trauma happens. And only when we take responsibility and choose to look inwards to withness and to see the pain of ourselves and of our ancestors, can we heal and stop passing on the burdens.
We take responsibility through love.
Blame is not necessary, not loving and not helpful.
Taking responsibility is the ability to respond. It means slowing down and pausing to facilitate space between the trigger and the response. In the space there is Self-energy. In the space there is healing.
It is the space between that separates the past from the present. It is a breaker of the chains that pass on generational trauma and pain.
It is an enormous power to hold. It is a huge responsibility.
It is the power of being.
When we can be in that space, we will be able see our children much more clearly, as we do not see them through the clouded glasses of our own past; through the eyes of “should” or fear of the future.
Seeing and loving our children as they are is the greatest gift we can give them. From there we can help them grow into the human beings they are meant to be.
2. Personal leadership
Personal leadership is a fundamental part of the new paradigm of parenting and of the changes happening in our societies worldwide.
It is a battle in our cultures and political structures and it is an inner battle between what our nervous system knows, of the old highways in the brain and the new knowing and new paths we are trying to step through a territory that often our children seem to know much better than we do, as they have not had to close off like we have.
In the old paradigm of parenting and of power dynamics, you were respected because of your role; because of being higher up in the hierarchy. Children would listen to you and do as they were told because of that role and because what would happen if they did not; because of your power-over.
So those of us who are parents today and are trying to build healthy realtionships inside and out, but have ourselves been children of the old paradigm, have learned not to trust our own judgement and have learned to listen outside instead of in. We have learned to shut off to our own inner wisdom and intuition, because it was not allowed and not safe.
In talking about intuition or gut feeling, I am not talking about fluffy concepts, but as Peter Levine would say, about neural pathways and communication inside of our body and brain. Neurons, neural pathways and communication does not just reside and happen in the brain, but in your body that the brain is part of. Your nervous system communicates all the time and there are neurons not just in the human brain but also in the gut and around the heart.
And there is a lot more communication being sent from the body to the brain (80% according to Peter Levine) than from the brain to the body (20%).
The body has a lot more to tell. It is talking all the time, but many of us must to relearn to listen.
The IFS view and New Danish Parenting is one way of doing that.
Personal leadership is leadership from the inside, not from a managerial place of should, have to, fear, power over. It is being you — being in the space that allows Self-energy — with your child.
Who is my mom or my dad as a person? If you think back to your own childhood, it may be really hard to tell. There may be glimpses, but often our parents have mostly been present in our lives in the form of their roles as mom and dad.
More than human beings, they were flat characters, roles and functions.
Perhaps dad was someone who read the newspaper, went to work somewhere not here, told me to do my homework and seemed to care more that the lawn was green and straight and that the car was clean and shiny.
Perhaps mom was someone who read to me and kissed me goodnight, made us dinner and taught me to make breakfast and lunch. Maybe she kept the house clean and tighty and made sure we had clean clothes to wear. Maybe she went to work everyday and maybe I knew where that was.
But what was my dad passionate about? What books did my mom love to read? What did my dad feel inside when he look at me? And what made my mom feel safe and happy? What were their hopes and dreams? What were their sorrows and pains? What warmed their hearts and what made their eyes sparkle?
Of course the other side of that is parents oversharing in ways that are inappropriate and where, like we focused on above, caretaking and responsibility lands on the child.
The new paradigm of parenting is about being human beings in relationship. It’s about being ourselves together.
This means being you as a person, not just as a role, and allowing your children to be themselves with you.
Knowing yourself and setting Self-led boundaries around yourself (not around you child) like I focused on it the second principle of NDP is a big part of that. Because when we can be clear and have boundaries from inside of ourselves, our children get to know us; they get to know what we want and don’t want — when we have a yes and when we have a no — without overstepping their boundaries, without shaming, blaming or defining who they are or who they are allowed to be.
In this way our children get to know us, we get a chance to know them better AND in the process we get to know ourselves at a deeper level because setting boundaries from inside requires you to know yourself inside and not just pass on learned “values” and beliefs that are actually not true to you in a felt way.
Being, knowing and expressing ourselves from the inside is a gift both to our children and to ourselves. We will create deeper relationships and model real imperfect human behavior when we allow ourselves to be seen and known, to make mistakes and take responsibility for what is ours. And to clean up after ourselves — to apologize and — when it is appropriate and feels true.
In this way our children learn from us that they can be real and imperfect too, that it’s okay to make mistakes, that repairs can be made and that relationships can grow stronger from conflict instead of breaking.
3. Becoming conscious on the inside
Becoming conscious on the inside is about knowing ourselves and the triggers of our parts.
The landscape of our internal family is determined by the past and when we are blind to it, it will also determine our present and how we interact with our children.
That is not the point of beautiful adaptive systems. The point is for it to inform our present and help us make choices that feels right for us and for our families.
In IFS language this is the difference between being Parts-led and being Self-led.
The goal of healing and self-development is not for parts to go away, but for us to be Self-led and parts-informed. In therapy we facilitate healing for our parts, releasing of the burdens that they carry and listen to their stories, to their pain and to their wisdom.
Secure attachment inside helps us become secure attachment figures to our children on the outside.
You make sense
The way the brain and our inner system of parts work is quite amazing. In order for us to survive (and stay sane) we filter out a huge amount of information and stimulation from the outside all the time. This filtering out depends on our past, on our (past) relationships, on felt safety and on trauma known and unknown.
This means that the same experience can feel completely different to two different people.
Where I might feel scared or stressed in large groups of people, you migtht feel safe and comfortable. Where I might feel safe when I see a police officer, you might get triggered and scared. Where I might feel joy when I see a little girl on a swing, you might feel sad and lonely.
There is no right and wrong way to feel in these situations and relationships, but when we are unaware or unconscious of our parts and their triggers, they will get to decide for us and their burdens will feel like the truth.
So starting to notice what parts of us we are seeing the world through at any given moment facilitates awareness on the inside and helps us stay connected to the present. Remember, our parts (when burdened) are reacting from the past (and with fear of the future). Self-energy is always in the present. Your breath, your heartbeat, your inner space is always in the present.
In creating awareness and noticing our parts the intent is not to get them to go way, but to be with them. The lived life in our world of relationships, moving, creating and doing is not possible at all without our parts and they have kept us alive and often sacrificed a lot in doing so. We owe them gratitude and compassion, and like with our children in the family, our inner children — our parts — need to feel safe with us to become integrated in the internal family.
In our day to day lives, our parts are meant to blend with Self to some degree. This helps us get things done, it helps us take care of our children, do our jobs, remember to buy food and cook dinner, dance and sing when our favorite song is playing, dream and plan for the future, set boundaries, keep ourselves and our children safe, and enjoy deep and connecting conversations with our friends.
But when our parts are not securely attached on the inside, they do not feel safe, their roles a rigid, their view black and white and their burdens heavy to carry. And then when our burdened parts then get triggered, they do not just blend a little and inform the Self, they take over the steering wheel completely and we see the world through their eyes.
When this happens we do not see our children. We are hijacked by the past.
This is when hopelessness seems to swallow us, when shame makes us want to dissolve into the ground, when rage blinds us and when we experience the world as black and white, and relationships as all or nothing.
This is when your parts are alone. So when you catch yourself overwhelmed with feelings and strong beliefs, slow down, take a moment which will facilitate even the smallest space inside. A little glimpse is enough.
Who is looking? When you start to notice which parts you’re seeing the world though, you can start seeing your parts. That’s when they don’t have to be alone anymore.
Past or present?
When we slow down, it becomes easier to tell the past and the present apart. Is my feeling and reaction congruent with the present situation? Is my boundary being overstepped or does something in the the person or situtation trigger parts memories of the past? Of course it can also be both.
Listen to your parts
When anger flares up, we always want to listen to it. Anger tells us about our boundaries. In a parts-led system we either act out our anger and rage (thereby overstepping other peoples boundaries) or we suppress it (overstepping our own boundaries), whereas in a Self-led and parts-informed system, we slow down, create space and listen to the part holding anger. From there we can feel, speak and show our boundaries in a balanced and Self-led way that other people can better hear, take in and respect.
When others are still not able to hear us, the Self-led choice may be to remove ourselves from the situation or to seek help from a third party (like a couples therapist depending on the relationship).
Or in relation to our children, to become curious about their inner landscape and our own: What is so important inside of my child that they cannot accept or hear my NO or boundary and what happens inside of me in response to that?
What does my inner child need?
Often what our inner children — our parts — need when they get triggered is just for us to notice and to sit with them. When we are in our parts, they are alone. When we are with our parts, they can finally get the connections they have been missing.
Of course working with our parts in therapy and healing the wounds from the past that are still held by our system as burdens, is so important.
If you’re inspired to work with an IFS therapist or practitioner, you can find one here. But take time and slow down in the process. Check out the website or instagram page of the professional you find. See if they offer an initial call. Get a felt sense of them to see if they feel right to you.
Let this be a part of your healing journey and see if you can notice the difference in a Self-led choice and parts that feel desperate to be helped. And if you notice after a while that it does not feel like the right fit (anymore) or something feels off, bring it into the session (a Self-led therapist or practitioner will be open and curios and will not take offence) or start looking for someone else.
In my guide for IFS clients, you can read more about IFS therapy.
And you’re always welcome to write me if you have questions or need help your process.
But in the day to day life, interactions and family life, noticing and acknowledging when our parts get activated can be a game changer in itself.
You can simply starting to notice our different reactions, feelings and beliefs as parts.
This means slowing down (even just a little) and focusing inwards instead of only outwards.
When you say this, what do I notice?
When you look at me like this, what do I notice?
When I’m around this person, what do I notice?
In my article What I want parents to know about IFS and the podcast episode with the same title, you will get a lot more nuances and help with how to notice parts. In the podcast there’s even a guided meditation.
As parents our task is twofold: To see and meet our children with love, compassion and curiosity AND to meet our inner children in this same way:
Love the parts of you that hold shame.
Forgive the parts of you that mess up.
Breathe with the parts of you that hold fear.
Acknowledge the parts of you that are angry.
Listen to the parts of you that have ben silence.
Then repeat with your children.
Your inner healing journey, your inner love story, heals not only the past and the present, but also the future that you’re passing on to your children. It’s a gift that keeps giving.
Healing is not a straight line. It’s circling in closer and closer to ourselves. It is becoming you.
Parenting is part of this journey with so many beautiful and difficult opportunities to heal and to connect inside and out.
It is being the secure environment and safe base and connection for our children to grow and become themselves more and more.
There is no finish line and even after we’re gone, our lives and our being will have an impact on the generations to come. Let’s make it a positive one.
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