Guide for the IFS Client: Part 2: Internal Work Outside of Therapy and Between Sessions
In Part 1 of Guide for the IFS Client you can read about:
The Internal System of Parts
Self; The Inner Parent
About IFS therapy
What IFS therapy can look like
Good to know in IFS therapy
Here in Part 2 the focus in on your internal work outside of therapy and between sessions if you’re seeing an IFS therapist or practitioner.
For this article I have, with the help of the IFS community, created a page full of resources for you to dive into and use as you see fit. More will be added to the page and if you have something to add, be sure to let me know.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is much more than just a therapeutic modality; It is a human — and life — view. It’s a way of understanding ourselves and our relationships in a much deeper way. And it helps us take off the burdened glasses that our parts see the world through, and to see the world, each other and ourselves in a more loving and realistic way.
And even more so, it’s a way to connect on the inside and heal the parts of us that are calling out for help.
Mindset
The mindset is so important when it comes to therapy, healing, self-development. Many — not all — come to therapy with the intention of changing themselves (and/or their partner/children) and making the not-so-good behavior/feeling/conflict/problem go away, because they believe that there is something wrong with them, that they are their burdens and must work hard to be good enough, lovable and deserve good things in life.
This is the mindset of doing/removing/fixing and of right — and — wrong. It is not helpful for healing trauma and recreating connection inside and out, because it comes from the false belief that we are our burdens.
This is a problem first of all because it’s just not true, and it’s a problem because without seeing ourselves with the love and compassion we rightfully deserve (but did not always get) deeper healing does not happen and we are likely to overstep the boundaries of our protective mechanisms (parts) instead of listenting to them with the intention of creating connection.
Don’t despair if you feel like you cannot see yourself with love and/or if you identify with your burdens. The love, understanding and compassion is there in every human being — yes it’s also in you! — and your therapy and healing process will help you access it when your system is ready.
How can it feel so true that I am bad, I am wrong, I am unlovable, I am unworthy, if it’s actually not true at all?
The truth is that we have experienced trauma, that we have been unsafe physically and/or emotionally, that our parents could not always love us in a way that we could feel or connect with the parts of us that they had closed to inside of themselves. I am bad, I am wrong, I am unlovable, I am unworthy is a response to that. It is my fault, it is about me, not them, is a way of making sense of a world that is unsafe and unreliable, a way of making it just safe enough to survive. And these burdened beliefs get lodged and hidden deep inside of our inner systems so that we can stay (semi) connected and stay alive.
And even though they might get hidden in our subconscious, these burdens are what our protectors react from when they shut us off to ourselves or to others, when they spiral out of control in unsafe and unhealthy behaviors and reactions or become so rigid that even the smallest misstep turns to harsh inner shaming and dread.
When you have experienced trauma in the past and have not been helped and regulated back to safety, the aftermath of your traumatic experiences (even if you don’t remember them) is lodged inside of your body-mind (your inner system of parts) waiting to be healed.
Healing does not happen when we’re doing/removing/fixing. Healing happens when our parts are heard, seen, witnessed, loved, understood and integrated. Healing happens when we can be with.
In this Part 2 of Guide for the IFS Client the focus is on being with between sessions and on your own.
Here’s what we’ll dive into
Why it can be helpful to do (or not do) work between session
Ways to do inner work between sessions (or just on your own)
The importance of checking in with parts (especially after unburdenings)
Parts Mapping — Externalising
Meditations, Trailheads and Grounding with Parts
Self and Others
1. Why it can be helpful to do (or not do) work between sessions
Some clients are very excited about getting “homework” between sessions, some do their own thing, some find books, videos, exercises and meditations online to dive into, some don’t think too much about it but let the therapeutic work integrate as it will, and some have parts that make them avoid and forget about healing and parts between sessions.
The number one homework assignment I give clients between sessions, is to do nothing. Because (1) many people do too much already and are too stressed, (2) wanting homework comes from Managers and I want to make sure it’s what the system actually needs, and (3) because healing does not happen in doing but in being (and being with).
That said, doing your own inner work, learning new skills, meditating with your inner system and getting to know parts on your own or between sessions can be a beautiful part of your healing journey and will naturally happen in it’s own way the more Self-led you become (ie the more you heal). This is what happens when we become aware inside with love and it facilitates deeper and more compassionate inner (and outer) awareness the more we do it.
With tools and ideas for healing and self-development there is not a one — size — fits — all. Therefore any suggestions, ideas, links and so on, are not the one right way to heal, but tools that can be used if they feel helpful to you, your healing journey and your unique inner system of parts.
In this way, the only real “homework” is gradually creating awareness inside and out.
You may or may not want to use some of these ideas and tools for that, but reading through them can give you a new angle, overview or awareness that in itself may facilitate you on your healing journey.
2. Ways to do inner work between sessions (or just on your own)
Inner work can be a lot of different things. In IFS we will most of all focus on connecting — or reconnecting — with our parts, both in and between sessions. But doing meditations, mindful walking or running, body scans, breath work, nervous system regulation and just being present in there here and now is also inner work.
Internal work can be Top-down or Bottom-up. Top-down starts in your thoughts/cognition, understanding and doing. This will (slowly) influence your feelings and then your body and nervous system. Talk-based therapy for instance and understanding through reading, and education in a classroom will work this way.
Bottom-up starts in your body and nervous system and will then influence your feelings and your thoughts and cognition. Body-based and nervous system therapy, understanding through experiencing and being in your body will work this way.
IFS can be and do both and when your therapist is being in tune with your system, they will facilitate in a way that feels safe enough for your system and therefore works best for you.
There is no right and wrong way. Bottom-up will often work faster as we are being with deeper layers. Trauma is “stored” it the body and the body is where deeper healing happens. But for many people with trauma, going straight to the body is not safe enough at all and creates dissociation and back-lash. They will need to understand things on a cognitive level first to feel safe enough to move towards the deeper layers and the body. Therefore for many of us top-down will be the safe way to go (at least in the beginning of our healing journeys) and therefore be the fastest in the sense that slow is fast because your nervous system and parts need to be able to keep up with the process.
The important thing is that you work slowly integrates on all levels. If you use talk-therapy only and do not integrate deeper, it will not stick. If you do body-based therapy, breath work or for instance psychedelic work and do not integrate on a cognitive level, it most likely will not create long-term changes and may scare some parts of your inner system.
IFS is holistic in this sense as it facilitates the whole system in a respectful way.
Here are some examples of different types of Internal Work that you can do on your own or between sessions:
Somatic (Body) based inner work:
Body scans, Meditations, Breath work. See the section below on meditations and check out the page on IFS based Resources.
Singing, Sounds from stomach, heart, throat. See for instance Voo sound with Peter Levine, creator of Somatic Experiencing (SE). The “Voo” sound vibrates from your body, the “Mmm” sound is from the throat.
For those of us with blocks and parts in our throat “Ocean Breath” can be an interesting exercise as well. Search for “Ocean Breath” on Youtube to find a video of your choice.
Remember that most facilitators (and creators on Youtube) are not trained in IFS and are not necessarily trauma informed. It’s up to you to respect your system and not overstep the boundaries of your parts. Don’t power through anything. If something is overwhelming, stop and orientate in the present. Your parts and their reactions always make sense, so make sure to respect any NO of your body in any of these exercises. Going faster than your system is okay with, will make your healing go slower as your parts will get overwhelmed, they will learn that they cannot trust you to keep them safe and back-lash is likely to occur.
Re-spect means to see-again. Respect your parts: See them and their boundaries. Being seen and met is what heals.
Stillness based Inner work:
Meditations, Silence, Solitude, Walking/hiking, Reflecting on words, sentences, sensations or feelings. Being aware and mindful for a few moments in your daily life.
Reflecting, sensing and feeling into the 8 C’s of Self: Curiosity. Compassion. Clarity. Connectedness. Creativity. Courage. Confidence. Calm.
Dialog and Thought based Inner work:
Writing, Parts-mapping, Talking (inside or out loud) to yourself, Sharing with trusted others (1:1 or in groups). See below for writing and Parts-mapping exercises or have a look on the IFS resources page.
Movement based Inner work:
Dancing, walking, running — All with mindfulness/awareness to follow your system and body to see what wants and needs to happen.
This can take many different forms. For instance running in a mindful way is being aware inside your body and the different areas of your body and what they want and need. In this way being with and allowing the strength in your legs or the heaviness covering it, the dissociated areas of your back, the mistrust of your system in putting one leg in front of the other, the way your shoulder tense up when your arms are working, the way your breath becomes shallow or deep when getting your attention or the way your system might merge or shut off when running past people known or unknown to you.
Just notice, connect with and allow what is, what wants and what needs to happen.
Especially those of us who are highly sensitive/neurodivergent can (in my experience) use running and walking to process the thoughts, emotions and understandings that our parts carry. Our heads are often so busy and this it is a way for the body-mind to feel more connected in a rhythmic way that aligns the system and creates flow, processing and integration in a deep and dynamic way.
Running is for me my number one self-supervision tool. And no it’s of course not instead of co-supervision with supervisor.
Those of us who provide therapy and facilitate healing and self-development for others need our own personal therapy, consultation and/or supervision to support us in this work.
Walking barefoot in grass, on a sandy beach, in shallow water, on pebbles…. can bring not only calm but also energy and movement into your nervous system and to your parts.
Self-regulation:
Creating awareness of what happens inside of you (ie what parts come up) in relation to other people. Slowing down before reacting and noticing where and when your parts are reacting from. In the first episode of Parenting from the Inside podcast you can get a sense of this awareness and try out the meditation at the end of the episode. Or you can read more in this article on the same subject. They are made for parents, but you don’t have to be a parent to find them helpful.
Co-regulation and Relational (Inner) work:
Creating awareness in your relational field is both about your inner work, but also work you can do with your parter or other people close to you.
Remember that in the relationship to your children, you’re the one responsible for the relationship. You can listen to more on this on Parenting from the Inside podcast or read about it in some of my other articles. Look for episodes/articles on New Danish Parenting (NDP).
Triggers often come up in our close relationships, and in the close relational field a lot of healing has potential to happen as well. We cannot heal each other, but we can support and facilitate each others healing journeys if we chose to.
Couples therapy can be quite a gift towards healing together.
IFIO — IFS Couples Therapy is one way to work with this. And doing exercises together, slowing down and most of all listenting to each other from Self can bring your closer to both yourself and each other as friends and partners and co-parents.
3. The importance of checking in with parts (especially after unburdenings)
One important part of IFS therapy is checking in with our parts. This is especially important after an unburdening where a part has been witnessed, helped to release what it is carrying and retrieved to the present instead of being stuck in traumatic moments of the past.
When we neglect to check in with our parts (after unburdening) they can feel abandoned again, lose trust in us and may shift back to the past again.
At the end of an IFS session where parts move closer to you, change in any big way and/or some degree of unburdening happens, your therapist will help you set an intention to check in with your parts. It is up to your and your system what kind of check-in feels right, but after unburdenings it will be good to check in once a day or so for a few weeks.
Checking in can look like stopping for a moment, putting your hand on your heart (or somewhere in your body that the part has chosen to be) and just sending your awareness, love and/or compassion to it, or inviting it to feel you there with it.
Of course don’t do this while being triggered by other parts, but while you feel some degree of you calm and loving Self-energy.
It can be picturing the part in a visual way or just sensing it in the way that it shows up (or showed up in therapy) and connecting with it, even just for a moment in a way that feels good both for you and the part.
Some parts might want to connect through play, music, trying something the could not in the past but always dreamed of (like going to a cafe, buying that dress they always wanted, picking flowers or just feeling you there as your walk together). This can happen on the inside or by actually going out and for instance picking flowers while sensing the part there with you.
As long as these behaviors are not harmful to you and others, spend time with your parts as you and they would like. If you have any concerns, talk to your Therapist or Practitioner about it.
There is not a single right way to do this, so ask your parts. If you have a lot of doubt in your system, again, talk to your Therapist or Practitioner about this.
Many of us have busy days/lifes and might forget if we don’t set a specific intention to check in with the part (or parts), for instance right before going to bed, when we wake up in the morning, when drinking a cup of coffee (or tea) in the morning, while stopping at red lights on the way to work or whatever feels like a time where we will remember. We can also put a post — it on the fridge or on the bathroom mirror.
If we still forget
If we still forget, we want to create awareness around this. Sometimes we have parts that don’t want us to check in or to think at all about therapy between sessions. If this is the case for you, don’t hit yourself over the head (which would of course be another part criticising you). Because: Our parts ALWAYS make sense. And parts that make you avoid and forget, needs your connection in therapy instead of creating inner conflicts about it. There’s a reason why they are behaving exactly the way they are and we want to get curious about that. Remember: What’s in the way, is the way.
4. Parts Mapping — Externalising
Both therapy and Parts Mapping helps you begin to create a map of your internal landscape. You start getting to know little corners and areas of your inner world, and your internal map goes from being just a blank piece of paper, or perhaps a big confusing mess of colours, darkness, voices, overwhelming feelings and sensations, to having little corners and small areas of clarity and overview that can slowly grow.
You might not see the whole big picture yet, but the path before you becomes visible and walkable one small step at the time.
You become more aware, you start understanding more and making sense of in a deeper way, and you start being in connection with all the different parts of the internal landscape that makes up YOU in the world.
In this way Mapping our parts is an excellent way to understand our systems better, get an overview of what’s going on and why. It’s a way of externalising our inner system of parts and of connecting with them in a different way.
This is a great way for children to get to know their parts (through play) and for many adults it’s the best — or only — way to work with their parts.
All systems are different, so only use these ideas and tools if they feel helpful to you and your parts.
Parts Mapping can be done in many ways. You can find help and ideas in the IFS resources page or try some of these ideas below:
Drawing/painting/sculpturing
Putting your parts on paper can be a very helpful visual way of externalising and thereby creating space (unblending) between youSelf and your parts, as now you’re seeing a representation of them outside of yourself.
If you easily get into your head about it and find it difficult to just let yourself draw whatever comes to you, you might want to do a meditation, a bodyscan, walk barefoot in the garden, focus on your breath for a while, play music, dance or just sit in silence for a while before starting.
Painting and sculpturing will give you a different feel than drawing and will be a slower — and maybe deeper — way of feeling into your parts and getting to know them outside of yourself.
Here’s one way to draw your parts:
Focus inwards on the parts you want to get curious about or the parts that are emerging as the result of a situation, relationship or memory.
Using a big piece of paper draw the first part you notice. This could be a part holding sadness. Does this part have a specific color, shape, size. Does it show up as a child, an animal, a specific shape? Parts can change, so just draw them as they show up at this very moment or as they want to be drawn.
Any words are welcome as well. Just write them where it feels right on the paper.
What else do you notice or what reaction do you get when looking at the part on the paper? Notice that part and draw it on the paper as well. Where is it in relation to the sad part? Near, far, bigger, smaller? Does it have a color, shape?
What else do you notice when thinking about the situation or what do you notice right now looking at the two parts on the paper? Keep adding parts until you feel qualities of Self. Notice that. You might want to draw Self on the paper as well or simply invite the parts on the drawing to feel your Self-energy in relation to them. See how this feels. Does it change anything? Maybe the parts move or change in some way. Maybe not.
Take a step back and see what you notice when looking at the drawing.
Is there anything you see or get now that you were not aware of before?
What, if anything, does this change for you?
Thank your parts for allowing you to draw them and any trailheads (see below) can be brought to your next therapy session.
You can do this same exercise putting the parts on different papers. This way the papers can be moved further apart or closer to each other to see what happens.
You can also use drawing as a way of integrating you IFS therapy session and remembering the work you did. This can look like making a drawing of the parts you worked with (or writing down a few notes about each part) after your session. Drawing them in relation to each other may be helpful to slowly get a bigger picture of your system. This can be especially helpful if your system feels chaotic with many parts showing up.
Figures and objects
If you have ever tried 1:1 Family Constellations or Sand Tray Therapy, you’ll know the basic idea.
In externalisation with figures (of any kind) you chose different figures (or objects) to represent different parts of your inner system.
Let’s try:
A part of me is criticizing me for making a mistake at work yesterday: I find a figure to represent the criticizing part and place it on the table. Looking at the part, I notice that I feel shame inside: Noticing this part inside of me, I find a figure to represent the part holding shame and place it on the table in relation to the criticizing part. I try to put it a few different places, near or far, and in different angles, from the criticizing part and see how that feels inside of me.
Now how do I feel seeing the two parts on the table? Sadness and fear: Is it one or two parts? It feels like just one. This part seems younger and I choose a smaller figure to represent it. It’s hiding behind the part holding shame. Like it’s being protected. Are there any reactions from other parts to seeing this more vulnerable part? No it feels okay and I notice that I feel open and compassionate as I look at the three parts on the table.
Like with the drawing exercise I can invite them to feel my Self-energy or I can place Self on the table as well and see if there’s an impuls to move the others parts in any way when this happens. What changes if anything?
There may be more parts (sometimes many) to put on the table and to orientate towards each other in any way the parts need you to. There may be parts of other systems that play into your system. See if it feels right or not to bring them in. This can be parents, ancestors, siblings, your children, your partner and so on.
In Family Constellations Therapy this work with figures very much brings your outer family system and your ancestors into the constellation. Moving them around and bringing a felt awareness to pain and loss from the past (known and unknown) can be very healing.
Always respect your system and don’t push for any changes that feel uncomfortable or are not ready to happen. Just notice what you see and feel as you look at the figures and bring any trailheads and curiosity to your next therapy session.
Writing
Parts-mapping through writing can look like simply writing down our parts on a piece of paper, much like in the above description of drawing your parts. For some systems/parts words feel better than images. Check inside and see what feels right for you at this point and with the parts you’d like to focus on. And of course it can be a combination of drawing and writing or any other ideas you system comes up with. You can do this in between sessions — or just on your own — or you can do it after you IFS therapy sessions as a way of integrating and keeping track of your process.
If you have many conflicting thoughts, feelings and meaning-makings coming up, it can be helpful to write down these narratives and feelings and place them with the part carrying them. This will help you separate (even just a little) from the parts and their believes and it will help you have a clearer picture of which parts believe and feel what, how and when they respond and react to each other (and to other people) and how you feel towards them? (Which helps you notice other parts or Self-energy).
You can also use some of the apps on the ressources list if that feels good to your system.
Another way to use writing is by writing letters with your parts and asking them questions through writing for deeper exploring and to get to know them better.
For an exercise like this, feeling embodied (and not in your head) is helpful and takes you deeper. So again doing a body scan, a relaxing meditation, listening to music, focusing on your breath or any other ways you like to get into your body will be good (unless it feels unsafe to any parts) before you begin writing.
Have pen and paper ready (writing by hand is preferred, but see what works for you) and chose either to know beforehand what to focus on — like a specific part, cluster of parts, a reaction, a situation or triggers in a specific relationship — or use an IFS mediation to see what wants to come up.
Check out the list of IFS Resources for any of this.
Like always, if you’re doing this for the first time, if you know it’s hard to self-regulate, if you know you have deep and unprocessed trauma, choose something light to focus on (not your biggest trauma!) and do any exploring exercises with a trusted person (friend, partner og facilitator).
It’s okay to get triggered, but you shouldn’t be alone with strong triggers, because this is about healing and feeling safer inside and out, because I want you to be safe in this work and because your parts deserve a respectful slow pace to start feeling safe with you and with the inner journey that you’re brave enough to walk. Many people don’t even try, so even the awareness you have and the ways you try is pretty damn cool and deserve respect, a slow pace and care.
Let’s try:
Make sure you’re sitting comfortably, feeling grounded and safe in your chair in the present moment.
Focus inside and notice what part wants your attention. Remember that parts can show up in may ways (thoughts, feelings, sensations, images, symbols, memories, shapes, colours, animals, children — both as younger versions of yourself or a child that represents something inside).
You might notice a constriction in your throat, see for instance an image of a person or part ridiculing you, a thought doubting if you’re doing this exercise right, a sensation of tears behind your eyes… Whatever you notice, notice that and see how you feel towards it. If you feel (somewhat) open and curious, you can invite the part to notice that and start asking questions. If you, on the other hand, feel for instance scared, angry or constricted, then you’ll want to notice that part instead. It might become the part to focus on or it may be willing to give space.
If you don’t have experience noticing parts or asking parts to give space, I’ll invite you to either listen to and try out some of these meditations with Richard Schwartz, listen to the first episode of Parenting from the Inside podcast or check out the list of resources to find something helpful in getting a sense of your inner system.
When you feel some openness and curiosity towards the part, begin writing down your questions.
With exercises like this you will be somewhat Manager-led, but that’s okay as long as there’s openness, curiosity (qualities of Self) and respectfulness. Remember it’s not parts or Self, and our parts are very helpful in so many ways. Also in doing exercises.
I want to invite you and your parts to (1) trust the pen when you write. Don’t try to change or correct what comes. (2) Don’t judge what comes up. Invite any parts that judge to give space and just listen. And (3) don’t analyse or make sense of things. Any analysing parts will have plenty of time for that later. Right now they’re invited to just sit back and let you do the work.
You can start your letter something like this:
Dear Part holding perfection (…name of the part…),
I am here with curiosity and openenes (if that feels true) and would like to get to know you better. I write to listen.
Maybe questions come naturally to you — What are you curious about when being with this part? — maybe the part will just start sharing through your writing — or you can use ideas from this list:
What do you want me to know? How are you trying to help?
How long have you been in this job? How old are you?
What worries you? Do you feel appreciated?
How can I help you? What do you need?
Write down the question you have for this part and whatever answers come, just start writing them down without getting into your head about it. Let your pen flow and let your parts speak through it. Trust the process.
Follow up questions can look like:
And then what? What was/is that like for you?
What happened? What did/do you feel?
What are you afraid of? Tell me more.
This process can be as short or long as it wants to. Notice if other parts come in and join the conversation. It’s up to you and the part you’re with if you want to invite them to stay or to give space.
Notice how you feel toward the part or parts you’re with, to make sure there’s some degree of Self-energy present and to make sure that they feel heard.
When the conversation seems finished for now or if anything feels overwhelming, thank your parts for trusting you and sharing with you like this and if it feels true, let them know this is not the last chance they get for connecting with you and sharing their stories.
Set an intention to return or note any trailheads to bring to your next therapy session.
If you’re doing this exercise together with trusted people, see if it feels right to share and listen.
5. Meditations, Trailheads and Grounding with Parts
Meditations and grounding exercises are ways to focus inwards be connect to ourSelf and our parts. There are many different ways to meditate and meditation and grounding can have different intentions.
In the view of IFS our parts and their reactions always make sense, they try to help us or to finally be heard and they are not something we want to (or can) get rid of. Therefore meditations and grounding exercises with the intention of bypassing or getting rid of parts are not helpful towards healing. We want to respect the system and we want to be with what is there. You can read more about this here.
In this way IFS meditations focus on connecting with parts, not just on being in Self-energy. Having more access to Self-energy is a natural consequence of connecting with our parts, because they will start to feel safer, to relax back more and to become more integrated or more securely attached on the inside, which gives space to the Self-energy that is naturally present in all human beings.
If you’ve tried both IFS Therapy and other modalities of psychotherapy, you might have noticed a difference in how your Therapist/Practitioner helps you if you ground og regulate when overwhelmed. Because in IFS we regulate with our parts, not away from them.
Depending on your facilitator (and your system and the trigger) this can look like just acknowledging and being with the parts overwhelm or get overwhelmed. There’s a reason they are reacting the way they are and we want to both respect that (not just try to get rid of it) and be curious about it.
And it can look like regular grounding exercises like noticing your breath, breathing into your belly (if that’s not triggering for your system), noticing yourself in the chair, the room, the present or sending awareness to different parts of your body. The difference is that you ground with your parts: As you notice yourself sitting in the chair, feeling held by it, you invite the parts to lean in with you, to feel held with you. So instead of trying to escape the trigger and send it away, your focus is on inviting it into safety with you.
Most parts that overwhelm or feel overwhelmed will not just lean in completely and suddenly trust that all is safe. Especially at a moment when your whole system may feel dysregulated. But they are invited to; they are welcome, they are not sent away, and they can take this invitation in just a little bit, just a few drops to check it out and sense into it.
When we land a little bit more inside of ourselves — back inside the window of tolerance, feeling more regulated or in more Self-energy — we can be with the parts that reacted and be curious about why they felt they needed to do that.
Or, if doing this on our own, we can let them know that we will bring this to therapy and not forget.
If you make promises like this to your parts, make sure to follow through on it so that they learn that they can trust your word.
Overwhelm like that will be one type of Trailhead. Others can be getting upset with your partner and having the same conflict again and again, being triggered by your children’s behavior and not being able to sit with their emotions. It can be shutting down in specific situations or relationships, sudden rage, or for instance feeling a boundary but not being able to set it.
A Trailhead is a trigger, a stuck behavior or an ingrained belief about yourself, others or the world.
Trailhead meaning that if we walk with curiosity, this is the beginning of a trail towards what is important inside of us, what is stuck, what needs healing; it’s the path back towards ourselves, our healing and our truth.
In this way conflicts and difficult relationships on the outside can be such a gift towards healing what we had to exile in the past.
Write down your trailheads and bring them to your therapy sessions.
6. Self and Others
Trauma, pain and attachment wounding happens in the lack of safe relationships — in the lack of a secure other, in the lack of loving eyes and safe nervous systems, in the lack of the love and belonging that rightfully should have been yours from the very beginning of your unique and precious life. And it happens in the unsafe relationships, in the pain and wounding passed on through the generations and through the trauma and shamelessness of our outer systems in and outside of the family.
Unsafe relationships hurt and isolate us inside and out AND safe relationships heal us inside and out.
Many people are drawn to IFS because it gives us the hope that we can heal in isolation.
We cannot and we don’t have to.
If this is true for you, thank your parts for bringing you this far because this is your chance to slowly open up to deeper healing and connection, one respectful step at the time where sceptical and fearful parts are welcome to notice what is safe and okay and what is not.
Healing happens in loving relationships: The outer relationships to safe (enough) others — your Therapist/Practitioner, your partner, your friends, your children, animals, nature — AND it happens in inner relationship to yourSelf — between parts and Self, parts and parts, between you and your Soul, your God, your Love. Healing happens in connection. Internal and external.
Healing is not fixing or removing anything inside of you because you are not wrong and you are not broken. You simply have parts fighting and struggling to keep you alive and surviving the pain that once was and that still lives on inside of you waiting to be healed.
Healing is being with, tending to our inner wounds with love and care. Healing happens when we connect, when we listen, when we understand, see and hear. This is when the burdens our parts carry can be released and this is when our parts feel and know the safe and secure attachment from you that should have been theirs long ago and that was there waiting all along.
Healing is inviting your parts home.
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Parenting from the Inside Podcast
Interview with Anna Vincentz on The One Inside podcast